PROFOUND THOUGHTS
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have any film.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
Just remember.... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
You can't have everything - where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's
population.
The things that come to those who wait are usually the things left by those who got there first.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter because nobody listens.
I wish the buck stopped here - I could use a few.
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Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven... don't step on the ducks So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on... very tall, tan, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
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Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who's "willy" is thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he promises to call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash he won't be annoyed.
One who pulls out my chair & opens my door,
massages my back & begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind,
knows just what to say when I ask. "How big is my behind?
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin,
In the hall, the shower, the garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to screw my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the -head you sent me instead.
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Mitchell, a hard-shell Southern Baptist, loved to sneak away to the race track. One day he was there betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt when he noticed this priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Low and behold, this horse -- a very long shot--won the race. Mitchell was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the 5th race horses lined up, and placed his blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.
Mitch collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and won! Mitch was elated.
As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first. Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM and withdrew every penny he owned, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to place the bet on.
True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses.
Mitch placed his bet - every cent he owned and watched the horse come in dead last.
Mitchell was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track, and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you bless a horse and he loses. Now I've lost my life savings, thanks to you!!"
The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you Protestants you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites."
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Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a
Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 35 KPH.
He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? But I was doing the speed limit exactly - thirty five kilometres an hour." the old woman says a bit proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that "35" was the highway number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask ... Is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just left highway 190."
# # # # #
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it
happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 5v meters in front of the car.
Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??"
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a Doctor; come in and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob
following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are
serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work
feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:
"Master, Master! ... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!”
# # # # #
When Collingwood loses to the Kangaroos at Colonial Stadium by two
points, a billion people in China don't care....think about that."
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