[Burnout]

Port Adelaide has entered into the running for the 2016 Olympics, with such
a well thought out plan I think they are in with a chance!

The Olympic Flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a local of
Taperoo wearing a counterfeit Fubo shirt, stolen Billabong board shorts & to
keep with tradition no shoes.

100 METRE SPRINT

Competitors will start outside Hungry Jacks Port Adelaide, and will have to
hold a VCR & a Microwave (one in each arm) and, on the sound of the
starter's gun, a Police dog will be released from a cage 10 metres behind
the athletes.

100 METRE HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles, car bonnets, hedges, garden beds, fences, walls etc.

HAMMER THROW
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use
(claw, sledge etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most
grievous bodily harm to Victorian residents and their caravans visiting West
Beach Resort within the time allowed.

SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from the men in this event. The first target
will be a moving Police vehicle. In the second round, competitors will aim
at the Port Adelaide Post Office Clerk, Mobil Petrol Station Console
Operator or Bottleshop Attendant.

BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams and will
take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 glasses of
Bourbon and Coke at the Ramsgate Hotel, while the wife wearing bike pants,
an old T-shirt, and thongs will be told not to make him any dinner when he
gets home. To charge him further she will ask him to remove the old
commodore transmission from the bath.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS
The competitor will attend the Port Mall Shopping Centre where they will
obtain a bicycle stolen from a Portside Christian school student, they will
then be pitted against the clock. Bonus points will be awarded for a helmet,
which would have been procured at the time of getting the bike.

MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this is now cancelled, as organisers cannot guarantee the
safety of anyone walking the streets of Port Adelaide.

GYMNASTICS
The Beam will be replaced by a strip of gutter along St Vincents Street,
outside Centrelink. The event will commence at closing time - we expect some rather difficult dismounts to be performed on this apparatus. The floor
routine will be conducted in the padded cell of the Adelaide Jail.

CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include a bonfire made out of the Taperoo Primary School
, accompanied by a local pub cover band. The Olympic Flame will be
extinguished by the Port Adelaide Mayor by urinating from the base of the
spire in a cascading effect. The stadium (to be constructed within the
Portmall Carpark) will then be boarded up before local athletes break in to
it and remove all the copper piping, electrical wiring and air conditioners.