[pauljh74]

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress' ok?"
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again.
Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and he delivered the line.......

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!
"You bloody fool!" he cried, "you've ruined me!"
The actor was bewildered, "what happened, did I forget my line?"
"No you twat," screamed the director, "you forgot the rose..."
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After five years of marriage, a woman was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.
"Just tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"
"Baby, if I told you, you'd go off your head".
She promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her husband to tell her.
"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen......"
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The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. Instead, I would like you to know that I have looked after you handsomely in my Will."

"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "can I see that prescription I just gave you, I'd like to make a little change..."
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Gareth had a little lamb
His father had it too
If you're in to beastiality
New Zealand's the place for you.
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I have been so depressed lately that my wife threatened to leave me.
Even that didn't cheer me up.
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The other day I went to Office Max to get some supplies. While there I bought a new ink cartridge for my printer. It came in a fairly large box mounted on a card and wrapped in plastic.

When I took it apart, which took an unnecessarily long time, I found that the printer cartridge itself was actually quite small. It seems they made the packaging large to make it harder to steal and to make the customer feel better about the high price.

So I pointed this out to my wife and mentioned how my weight gain over the years of our marriage should have the same effect… It made me seem more valuable and also made me harder for other women to steal. She’s still laughing.
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Panic on Wall Street yesterday after the US government failed to agree a financial bail out saw shares in Banks tumble to record lows.

On the flipside Shares in Mcdonalds, Starbucks, Burger King, KFC and other american fast food brands continue to rocket as all the Fat Bastards started comfort eating to cope witht he crisis.
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Porsche is rolling out with a new line of cars geared towards Jewish drivers...they can stop on a dime, then pick it up.
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Apparently the PM receives two turds a week through the post.

But what I want to know is, who's sending the other one?