[pauljh74]

What do the Conservative Party and the Atlantic have in common?

Both have gained 200 seats this week.
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As I sat in the living room my 5 year old shouted at me from the back door.

'I can't hear you if you're shouting from outside,' I said.

Again, he shouted back.

'I told you, I can't hear you from there. It's rude to shout. If you want me to hear you, walk into the living room,' I replied.

A few moments later my son appeared in the living room.

'Dad, I've got dog crap all over my shoes.'
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Joe & John are twin brothers who live in the same town. Joe owns a dilapidated old boat which sank the same day that John's wife died. A few weeks later a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John. "I'm sorry for your loss", she said. "Thank you", said Joe, "but i'm sorta glad to be rid of her, she was a rotten old thing anyway. Her bottom was all shrivelled and she smelled of dead fish. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big one in the front. She was bulging out everywhere in her old age. Every time i used her she leaked and dribbled and her old hole got bigger. I think what finally finished her off was when I rented her out to 4 lads looking for a good time. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle!
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Mike meets his old pal, John, on the golf course and gets chatting, catching up on their last 10 years. "What you working as nowadays?" says Mike. John replies, "I'm actually a hitman." "A hitman?!" Mike retorts. "Yeah, I use a sniper rifle to kill on contract. I've got it with me in this briefcase if you want a look?". Mike asks to see the gun so John opens his briefcase and assembles the rifle. "You mind if I have a look through the scope?" enquires Mike. John agrees and passes the gun to Mike. "This is great!" says Mike, "I can see right in my bedroom window from here! That's my wife!!....wait a minute....that's my next door neighbour! The dirty bastard! Get off my wife!...how much do you charge for a hit?" John replies, "2 grand a shot." "Right," Mike says, "I want you to shoot my wife in the head and my neighbour in the groin. "Okay," replies John and takes the gun from Mike. After a short while he still hasn't pulled the trigger. "Come on what's taking you so long?!" asks Mike. "Relax," John replies casually, "I'm trying to save you 2 grand."