Not a Qantas joke :)

**GasoLane** · 18-01-2007, 03:05 PM

Not a Qantas joke but still brilliant comebacks.

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I didn't land."

ltd · 18-01-2007, 03:17 PM

The speedbird one is actually true. It was one of those airline myths that everyone assumed was false until someone with too much time on their hands actually combed over the recorder transcripts for Frankfurt tower. I think it was in the mid 70's when this occurred.
As far as cockpit humour goes, that takes the holy grail.

photn · 18-01-2007, 04:01 PM

ot anymore... thats really livening up the time until i go home lol.

It'sTheVibe · 18-01-2007, 04:28 PM

http://www.pprune.org/forums/showthread.php?t=59309

:

ForgInASock · 25-01-2007, 01:30 PM

In the same vein, here is a tale that I heard...

I am in the Royal Australian Air Force. On all RAAF runways there are cables which can be used to "arrest" landing aircraft, similar to those found on US Navy Carriers, only the "arrest" is not as violent. These cables and their associated "brake packs" are serviced monthly. When the cables are serviced the runways are normally closed. Williamtown (Newcastle, NSW) Airport, however, is a shared RAAF/civilian airport and the runway can't just be closed. Hence part of the runway is closed (2500 feet) and regular radio broadcasts warn incoming aircraft of this fact. This all happens early in the morning and the tower is unmanned at this time.

My current leading hand was working at Willy one morning when the airfield was severely fogged in. A BAE146 commuter plane (short range, high mounted swept wings, 4 underslung jets) was approaching and in radio contact with the ground party. The 146 did a couple of low, slow passes to check the runway through the pea soup, then decided to have a go. The ground party left the runway, warning the 146 again of the shortened length, and waited for him to land. Waiting, waiting, waiting... Ah, there is the landing lights, and the final radio call.

The Sargent in charge of the ground party then called over the radio "BAE146 on final, you'd better go around. You're lined up on a taxiway!"

Oops!

troppo · 25-01-2007, 06:21 PM

Yeah I recall seeing the Speedbird one doing the email rounds a few years back, there was a couple of pages of them as well as some maintanace reports with the maintainace crew comments on them.
Some I can think of offhand include
Unknown pilot waiting for take-off clearance: "F$%k I'm bored"
ATC: "Who said that? Identify yourself immediately!"
Pilot: "I said I was f$%king bored, not f$%king stupid."

Maintainance reports
Problem: friction locks on throttle sticky
Reply: that's what friction locks are for

Problem: No 3 engine missing
Reply: after a brief search, no 3 engine found on inner wing.

satria · 25-01-2007, 08:43 PM

these are great... i'm laughing my *** off lol

any more?

troppo · 25-01-2007, 10:00 PM

Hmm...I remeber reading an email of an exchange over Maritime radio in the North Atlantic that went something like this:
US accent: We are on a collision course, suggest you alter course 10 degrees to starboard.
British accent: Negative, suggest you alter your course 10 degrees to port.
US accent: This is the USS whatever (name escapes atm), strongly suggest you alter course 10 degrees to starboard.
British accent: Negative. You alter your course 10 degrees to port.
US accent: This is the USS whatever. Alter your course 10 degrees to starboard now.
British accent: Negative. You alter your course 10 degrees to port.
US accent: This is the USS whatever, one of the largest warships in the US Navy. ALTER YOUR COURSE NOW OR FACE THE CONSEQUENCES.
British accent: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

[Tonko] · 25-01-2007, 11:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by troppo

Hmm...I remeber reading an email of an exchange over Maritime radio in the North Atlantic that went something like this:
US accent: We are on a collision course, suggest you alter course 10 degrees to starboard.
British accent: Negative, suggest you alter your course 10 degrees to port.
US accent: This is the USS whatever (name escapes atm), strongly suggest you alter course 10 degrees to starboard.
British accent: Negative. You alter your course 10 degrees to port.
US accent: This is the USS whatever. Alter your course 10 degrees to starboard now.
British accent: Negative. You alter your course 10 degrees to port.
US accent: This is the USS whatever, one of the largest warships in the US Navy. ALTER YOUR COURSE NOW OR FACE THE CONSEQUENCES.
British accent: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

HAHA thats gold!

:

ForgInASock · 26-01-2007, 04:12 PM

Once again at Willytown, Newcastle. This time it was first hand.

I was in the tower by myself, FAR too early for the precious Air Traffic Control Officers, raising and lowering the cables and nets and broadcasting to the world that there was a shortened runway. Once again the airfield was seriously fogged in.

We had an RAAF Hercules circling waiting for the fog to clear. He was at altitude and so safe. Also was a Jetstar 717 trying to look for a big enough hole in the fog to put down. My mates were on the runway doing their job when the call came over that Jetstar was going to do a low, slow pass.

Now runways all over the world are numbered according to the direction that you would be facing if you were on them. Runway One Two (RWY 12) means that you'd be pointing at compass 120 deg, about South East. The opposite direction is RWY 30, for 300 degrees (not thirty degrees, that would be RWY 03).

So Old Mate Jetstar calls up saying he's going to do a low, slow pass on RWY 12. All good, as he'd be approaching from NW, and accelerating and climbing away as he passed over the work crew. All good. Crew keeps on, listening for the 717, when the bloody thing appears through the fog, about 300 feet in the air, right over their heads! the bastards got his runways mixed up and came from RWY30.

A big "Please Explain" was quickly fired off to Qantas HQ that morning!

pertuan · 26-01-2007, 10:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by troppo

Hmm...I remeber reading an email of an exchange over Maritime radio in the North Atlantic that went something like this:
US accent: We are on a collision course, suggest you alter course 10 degrees to starboard.
British accent: Negative, suggest you alter your course 10 degrees to port.
US accent: This is the USS whatever (name escapes atm), strongly suggest you alter course 10 degrees to starboard.
British accent: Negative. You alter your course 10 degrees to port.
US accent: This is the USS whatever. Alter your course 10 degrees to starboard now.
British accent: Negative. You alter your course 10 degrees to port.
US accent: This is the USS whatever, one of the largest warships in the US Navy. ALTER YOUR COURSE NOW OR FACE THE CONSEQUENCES.
British accent: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Ah... I remember this one well.

That would be this video here...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=brNX4xqlXJE http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=brNX4xqlXJE

ltd · 26-01-2007, 09:17 PM

I like the one where a captain who was known to be a bit of a joker was taxying a Continental DC-10 for the gate. As he was stopping he got on the PA for all the passengers to hear and in his best cowboy accent said "Whoa big fellah, Whoa" as he stopped.
Apparently all the passengers burst out laughing.

Bill M · 26-01-2007, 10:06 PM

Reminds me of a customer who asked my workmate Phil where he was from, Phil said "I am originally from England" the customer who had a German accent said "ahh yes I know England very well, I was in the Luftwaffe you know" The look on Phillip's face was priceless.
cheers
Bill.

troppo · 27-01-2007, 09:07 AM

thanks for the link...never seen the vid before, only the transcript, but the vid is funnier.

pertuan · 27-01-2007, 01:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by troppo

thanks for the link...never seen the vid before, only the transcript, but the vid is funnier.

Theres a variation on that actually. Not sure if a vid was made for it.

Instead of just the USS Montana, its the North Atlantic Taskforce. I believe the Captain says something like...

This is the North Atlantic Taskforce, we are a fleet of 1 carrier, 5 Destroyers, 4 Frigates and 8 Destroyer Escorts. You WILL alter your course.

Dark Horse · 27-01-2007, 10:07 AM

In his book, Sled Driver, SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes: "I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my backseater) and I were screaming across Southern California, 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its groundspeed."

"90 knots" Center replied.

"Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same."

"120 knots," Center answered.

"We weren't the only ones proud of our groundspeed that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, 'Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests groundspeed readout.'

"There was a slight pause, then the response, 525 knots on the ground, Dusty".

"Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my backseater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison." "Center, Aspen 20, you got a groundspeed readout for us?"

There was a longer than normal pause.... "Aspen, I show 1,742 knots"

"No further inquiries were heard on that frequency"

red_october · 30-01-2007, 03:06 PM

I was on a Virgin Blue plane from Perth to Sydney a couple of years ago, and we just landed at Sydney, taxiing towards the terminal. You know the usual message from the head steward/stewardress telling us not to get out of our seats till the plane comes to a complete stop, but this time it was different.

The stewardress said, 'Never in the history of commercial flights that a passenger has beaten the plane to the terminal, so you might as well sit down and relax...."

mowog · 30-01-2007, 03:57 PM

When I was in the Airforce we had the most stupid "D" ever made they transfered the Helicopter fleet to Army... There was a change over period for this. I was at 35 Sqn at the time... The day had to come that a full Army crew took one of the birds for a fly. I went out and did the BF (Before Flight Inspection) I went back into the flightline and signed off my work and went back out to the bird.

The Green suited d#*kheads made their way out and started to take the covers of the wrong bird so I just watched while sitting in the proper aircraft. They completed their BF and got all comfortable in the wrong bird....

So I go over and collect the main rotor walk around to the front. The pilot gives me a thumbs up for start clearance I gave him a thumbs down....

30 seconds later same thing

30 seconds later same thing

The load master comes out and says WTF is wrong...!!!!

This is when I tell him they are in the wrong aircraft....

The looks were priceless... And it was a mistake they didnt make again...

I have another tale of when I covered an f18 with engine oil...

xwgasaxe · 30-01-2007, 05:12 PM

Thats bloody hilarious
Tell us the tale of the F18, I'm interested!!

mowog · 30-01-2007, 06:04 PM

The F18

This story starts with the fine old bird the RAAF Caribou. The radial engines on the Caribou are a marvel of WWII Technology. In the interests of long life for these age old engines if they hadn’t been run in 4 days (or motored over) we had to do a pre-oil on the engines before starting them. To do this we had a rig that we filled with about 5 gallons of engine oil. The rig would heat the oil first; we would attach the rig to the engine and start pumping nice fresh hot oil into the engine. When we had good flow we would motor the engine over on the starter. We would then repeat this for the other engine.

The day… 2 OCU were in Townsville with the F18’s as part of a pilot conversion course so the buggers were all over our flight line. We had just finished a pre-oil on an aircraft and we towed it out onto the flight line away from the other aircraft so we could do a run on the engines. I did my walk around and the crew got the ground power in the fire bottle (50kg BCF) in place. I powered the aircraft up turned on my lights and anti collision lights.

So here’s the scene… One Caribou power cart attached anti collision lights running my crew all in place. I call for start clearance and my observer out the back tells me an F18 is coming down the flight line under tow and it will pass behind us. So I wait. Then the observer says they are parking right behind us… WTF… So ask him to go see them and ask them to move it. Their response get stuffed.

So I radio the flight line, the boss just happens to be in the flight line when I call. He asks what is the run you are doing. I explain it’s just a leak check and a run to temps. This type of run doesn’t produce much thrust so he says just do the run.

I call my crew for clearance for the starboard engine. As the engine fires it gives an almighty cough…

Let me stop here and explain something about the Caribou. There are 2 large exhaust pipes (Called Augmenters) that run over the wing from the engine they are about the diameter of a 20lt drum.

It just so happens that the 2 starboard augmenters are directly lined up on the F18 parked behind us. My rear observer comes on the intercom he could barely speak he was laughing so hard. A plug of oil had come out of one of augmenters this plug was about the size of a 20lt drum. The oil had hit the F18 and the splatter hit crew standing around the F18.

My observer reports that a flight sergeant from the F18 is heading our way. The boss saw all this from the flight line and calls me. He asks if the person who just entered the aircraft had asked for permission to do so. Which he hadn’t done so, by the time he reached me I had a head set for him and informed him my boss would like to talk to him.

He was told (not asked) to present him self to the bosses office. He spent the next half an hour getting his **** reamed. And I started the port engine with out incident…

When I had finished I had a look at the F18 it was a mess…

xwgasaxe · 01-02-2007, 02:34 PM

Thanks for that, Pretty hilarious
Bet those Fly boys went and watched Top Gun that night just to make them selves feel better.

mowog · 01-02-2007, 02:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xwgasaxe

Thanks for that, Pretty hilarious
Bet those Fly boys went and watched Top Gun that night just to make them selves feel better.

Nope the buggers got the last laugh they kept us awake doing night flying...

coupdy do · 01-02-2007, 04:27 PM

Bob hoovers book 'Forever flying' has some good stories
He was a test pilot for the yanks in the 50's and worked with Chuck Yeager breaking the speed of sound.
He had been flying for about 30 years and contracted to the US airforce when he thought it would be funny to join a aero club and go for his pilot liceance pretending that he knew nothing of planes, he spent two week 'training ' with his new instructor (young woman). anyway she said he was ready to go solo one day. Bob called some of his airforce mates to come down and check it out. He ended taking off and doing a loop on take off and then a heap of aerobatics meanwhile the instructor is shitting herself thinking she has sent a man to his death ....then she noticed the air force pilots laughing. Needless to say she wasn't a happy camper.