What jokes do you know?

[blueline]

i'm gonna apologise in advance but i can't help it....


why do chicken coops only have two doors?

because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans.

[FGII-XR6]

Waiting in line at the Pearly Gates

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a
guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so that I may know
whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Peter Pilot, retired American Airlines Pilot from
Dallas."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take this
silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom." The pilot goes into
Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Father
Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the last 43 years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, "Take this cotton
robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the good father, "that man was a pilot and he gets a
silken robe and golden staff, and I get only cotton and wood. How can this
be?"

"Up here we go by results," says Saint Peter, "when you preached people
slept; when he flew people prayed."

[FGII-XR6]

During a recent password audit it was found that a blonde had an unusually
long password:

"mickeyminnieplutoheweydeweydonalygoofy"

When asked why such a big password she said the instructions said it needed
to be eight characters long.

[FGII-XR6]

This week in the news ...

Taser me, says NSW premier.

NSW premier Nathan Rees has offered to be tasered
to prove the worth of the electrical stun guns for police.

The state's police force is currently conducting a review of the devices
ahead of a recommendation on their use across the state.

The State Government says if police want Tasers, they will get them.

Mr Rees says Tasers are much safer than guns, and he has proposed
police be provided with 500 of them.

he says he is prepared to be tasered himself if it will help his
argument. So far the queue of volunteers offering to taser Mr
Rees extends from the Macquarie St to Newcastle.

[cool65]

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter, and who had watched the whole incident), walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."

[guitarman]

Un-named baby pinches a fluffy little calf doll from the baby in the next crib.
Mother, watching on, cries: "I've got it - we'll call him *'Russell'"










*Rustle
(for the intellectually-challenged)

[guitarman]

"Bill"..........name for a child who arrives on the 1st of the month.

[luke]

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
In Soviet Russia,
Poems write you.

[pauljh74]

The top six reasons computers must be female:

6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.

5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.

4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

2. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as

"If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE:

As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.

[Fled74]

How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?

Scroll Down. --->























<----- Scroll Up.

[ltd]

Since singer Susan Boyle has been on TV there's been a marked drop in suicide bombings.

Apparently, a lot of the terrorists didn't realize what a virgin looks like.

[V3RSAC3]

GOLDEN!!! Hahahahaha

[FGII-XR6]

A blonde was driving home and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her
car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the repair
shop.

The shop owner saw that she was a blonde and decided to have some fun. He
told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard and all
the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands
and knees and started blowing into her tail pipe.

Nothing happened. She blew a little harder and still nothing happened.

Her room mate, also a blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow in
the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

Her blonde room mate rolled her eyes and said, "Duh! Hello?? Don't you
know that you need to roll up the windows first!"

[Jason[98.EL]]

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar.
Tiger turns to Stevie and says, 'How's the singing career going?'

Stevie replies, 'Not too bad. How's the golf?'

Woods replies, 'Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now.'

Stevie says, 'I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.'

Tiger says, 'You play GOLF?'

Stevie says, 'Yes, I've been playing for years'.

Tiger says, 'But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?'

Stevie Wonder replies, 'Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me.
I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him.
Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.'

'But, how do you putt?' asks Tiger

'Well', says Stevie, 'I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice.'

Tiger asks, 'What's your handicap?'

Stevie says, 'Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer.'

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, 'We've got to play a round sometime'

Stevie replies, '
Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. That a problem?'

Woods thinks about it and says, ' I can afford that, OK, I'm game for that. $10,000 a hole is fine with me.
When would you like to play?'

Stevie Wonder says, 'Pick a night'

[SilentDave]

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, 'I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a cheque. Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you.'
'But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!
'I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!'

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,
'Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!'

To which the parrot replied,
'Get him Spike!'

See - Men just don't listen!

[pauljh74]

A Husband & Wife are having a dirnk in a pub, the husband suddenly notices his wife who keeps looking at a bloke at the bar on his own and drunk out of his mind, cradling his beer.

Husband Says "You know him?"

"Yeah, he's an old boyfriend of 10 years ago, friends say he hasn't stopped drinking since we slit up"

"BUGGER ME!" replied the Husband

"He's still celebrating after all this time!"

[FGII-XR6]

Grandad was reminiscing about the good old days...

"When I were a lad, me mother would send me down to t'corner shop wi' a
shilling, and I'd come back wi' five pounds o' potatoes, two loaves o'
bread, three pints o' milk, a pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea, an' 'alf a
dozen eggs.

Ya can't do that now ...

Too many bloody security cameras."

[FGII-XR6]

Boss: Experts say humour on the job relieves tension in this time of
down-sizing. I got one... Knock, Knock.

Employee: Who's there?

Boss: Not you anymore

[FGII-XR6]

A woman goes to her doc complaining of excessive flatulence. She tells him
that this started a couple of months ago, it is very embarrassing but
fortunately there is no odour and the farts are silent. Doc examines her
and gives her a prescription, tells her to come back in two weeks.

When she sees him again, she's quite upset and tells him that her farts now
stink to high heaven, absolutely revolting, but at least they are still
silent.

Good, says the doc. Now that we've fixed your sense of smell, we can work
on your hearing!

[FGII-XR6]

I got this new deodorant today. The instructions said remove cap and push
up bottom. I can hardly walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells
awesome!

[Fev]

A CATTLE DOG STORY

Kevin Rudd called Julia Gillard into his office one day and said "Julia,I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country voters".
"Good idea Leader, how will we go about it"? said Julia.

"Well", said Rudd, "we get ourselves one of those Driaza Bone coats,some RM Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat. Oh, and a blue cattledog. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a typical old outback
country pub, we'll show we really enjoy the bush".

"Right" said Julia.

Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite blue heeler, they set
off from Canberra in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at
just the place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub.
They walked in with the dog and up to the bar.

"G'day mate", said Rudd to the bartender, "two middies of your best beer".

"Good afternoon Leader", said the bartender, "two middies of our best coming up".

Gillard and Rudd stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to whoever came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stock whip. He walked up to the cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar. A few moments later in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked up to the dog and lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen came in and lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled.
Eventually, Rudd and Gillard could stand it no longer and called the barman over.

"Tell me" said Rudd, "why did all those old stockmen come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?"
"Strewth no", said the barman. "Someone told 'em there was a cattle dog in the bar with two Ar5holes"..

[Jason[98.EL]]

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be the Man of Your House."

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on you need to know that I am the
man of this house and my word is Law.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating my meal, you will serve me
a scrumptious dessertAfter dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want!”

“Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands.
Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess."

[Jason[98.EL]]

While in China , a man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.'

The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'

The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your .'

The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'

The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.'

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his and proclaims,
'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.'

The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my !'

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way No need to amputate!'

Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.

'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!'

[Jason[98.EL]]

Long hair



A young boy had just received his driver's permit and asked his father
if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he would make
a deal with his son. "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average,
study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the
offer and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said,
"Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've
observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real
disappointed you didn't get your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been
thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that
Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long
hair. And there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice that they all walked
everywhere they went?"

.................................................. .................................................. .......

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle.

From the Daily News comes this story of a Leicester couple who drove their car to ASDA, only to have their car break down in the car park.



The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.


The AA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

.................................................. .................................................. ......

[NC1183]

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.
After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The man got a shocked look on his face and said "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!"
"Well", says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."
So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The second man looked quite aghast, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my own wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."
"No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."
The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the sob to death with the chair!"

[XR6_661]

If you've ever heard a VN V6 at a burnout comp, you'll think this is hilarious.

[Iggypoppin']

Originally Posted by XR6_661

If you've ever heard a VN V6 at a burnout comp, you'll think this is hilarious.

haha. Yeah I found that quite good actually it's quite true

[RSgerry]

My wife got me a toilet brush for christmas, i started off using it but the hassle it caused me!

I think i'll just stick to toilet paper.

[SilentDave]

The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in themail.
The economy is so bad I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behindthe counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
The economy is so bad that CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
The economy is so bad if the bank returns your check marked "InsufficientFunds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
The economy is so bad Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higherthan GM.
The economy is so bad McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
The economy is so bad parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies andlearned their children's names.
The economy is so bad a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking intoMexico .
The economy is so bad Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
The economy is so bad Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen

[Tray]

what's the difference between holden and a bucket of S#*!..........

THE BUCKET!