A few good ones hahaha

[XRCIST]

A woman stands looking in the bedroom mirror for what seems like an eternity and then turns to her husband who is sitting behind her . She says - "I'm horrible and fat and ugly !!! Pay me a compliment to cheer me up" He says - "Your eyesight's spot on !!"

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A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch. and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"

The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

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A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought
for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with
Robert Redford for a million dollars.
Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars, and ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a
million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert
Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would!
I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I would just
love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom
Cruise for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you
know how much a million could buy? "

The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His
father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between Potentially
and Realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on three million
dollars, but Realistically, we're living with two sluts and a poof."

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A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee,
and a 1 lb. package of bacon.


As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."