Friday Joke Time

[trick_xd]

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully..
From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about
something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing
with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the
field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and
began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again.

Complain, nag, complain, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the
old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of
the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather
odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen
for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner
approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in
disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about
it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked
him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his
head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something
about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my
head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

==================================================

Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they
aren't prepared for
the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town
prosecuting attorney called
his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to
the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know
me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams
I've known you since
you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people
and talk about them
behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when
you haven't the brains
to realize you never will amount to anything more than
a two-bit paper
pusher. Yes, I know you,"

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do,
he pointed across the
room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense
attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr.
Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a
drinking problem. He can't
build a normal relationship with anyone and his law
practice is one of the
worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated
on his wife with three
different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I
know him,"

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench,
and in a very
quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her
if she knows me,
I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."

================================================== ==

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the Arch-Angel found him on the seventh day, resting.

He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through
the clouds
"Look Michael, look what I've made." said God.

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call
it Earth and it's going
to be a great place of balance".

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, North
America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America
is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and
Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white
people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued,
pointing to different countries. This one will be extremely hot and arid
while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a small land mass
and said "What's that one?"

"Ah ," said God. "That's Australia, the most glorious place on Earth.
There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and hills. The people from Australia are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous
and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely
sociable, hard-working and
high-achieving,and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and
carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about
balance, God? you said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the ****ers I'm putting next to
them. I call them New Zealanders !!!"