What jokes do you know?

[LOCO XP]

If you receive an email about contracting swine flu from consumption of canned ham, disregard it. It is only SPAM.

[Burnout]

Three men, an Italian, a Jew, and a Pole, are sentenced to spend 15 years in
solitary confinement. The judge, feeling sorry for the men, decides to allow
each to take with him whatever he wants.

The Italian says, "I'd like to take a woman with me." The judge reluctantly
agrees, and the Italian takes his wife and heads off to solitary.

The Jew says, "I'd like to take a telephone with me." The judge agrees, and
off goes the Jew with his telephone.

The Pole pulls out a hand-held calculator and furiously punches the buttons
for a few minutes. He then announces, "I'd like to take 3,000 cartons of
cigarettes with me." The judge agrees, and off goes the Pole with his
cigarettes.

After 15 years they open the Italian's cell, and out comes the Italian with
his wife and 15 children: "It wasn't so bad...."

The Jew emerges and announces he is now a multimillionaire, having set up a
successful business by telephone.

The Pole then comes out, trembling like a leaf, and says, "Anybody got a
match?"

[guitarman]

My mate is addicted to Automatic transmission fluid, and funny enough he reckons he can never change!


I bought my HSV mate probably the most important piece of Holden equipment for his birthday - a very heavy-duty everyday-use TROLLEY JACK.


Q: Why do Holden drivers have very small penises?
A: It reduces the weight on their neck muscles.

(no disrespect GMH guys - You've bought a Holden; that's punishment enough!)

[guitarman]

What do you call an alcoholic with the latest flu?......A SWINO.

Where do they contract this disease?....sWINE & CHEESE NIGHTS.

What are the symptoms?....DRUNK AND ACTING LIKE A PIG.

What do you treat him with?......OINKMENT.

[XR6_661]

Poor matty, he got sacked from the NRL, sacked from channel 9 and he got sacked from the storm. It's ironic, because the last person who got that much sack was that NZ girl.

[Burnout]

As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Lena
shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where
before long, she became a successful performer in show business. Eventually
she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to
confession in the church, which she had always attended as a child.

In the confessional Father Sullivan recognised her and began asking her about
her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to
know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of
thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight
of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits,
handsprings and backflips.

Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged
ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to
the other: "Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin'
out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"

[pauljh74]

Eternity

The time between you coming and her going...
**************************************

Why wont BMW drivers ever make anyone pregnant?

Because they pull out no matter what.
**************************************

At a party, telling "What's the difference between..." jokes

- What's the difference between a shower curtain and toilet paper?

- mm, I've got no idea sir.

- SO IT WAS YOU YOU #$%^&&**!
**************************************

What's just 2.5 inches long
And can satisfy any woman every day?

A Mastercard.

[Auslandau]

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.'

The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!'

The first guy says, 'So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be'?

The other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin, I am.'

The first guy responds, 'So am I!'

'Sure and begorra. And what street did you l ive on in Dublin ?

The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.'

The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I!
And to what school would you have been going'?

The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St.. Mary's, of course.'

The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate'?

The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it? I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!'

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian'?

'The Murphy twins are ****ed again.



| [/url] |

[Fev]

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"

"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."


__________________________________________________ _________________

An American walks into an Irish pub and says, "I'll give anyone $100 if they can drink 10 Guinness's in 10 minutes."
Most people just ignore the absurd bet and go back to their conversations.
One guy even leaves the bar.
A little while later that guy comes back and asks the American, "Is that bet still on?"
"Sure."
So the bartender lines 10 Guinness's up on the bar the Irishman drinks them all in less than 10 minutes.
As the American hands over the money he asks, "Where did you go when you just left?"
The Irishman answers, "I went next door to the other pub to see if I could do it."

[Burnout]

Ninety people get the Swine Flu and everybody wants to wear a mask.
More than a million people have
AIDS and no one wants to wear a condom!

[pauljh74]

The following letter was forwarded by someone who teaches at a small high school in country Queensland, in Australia. The letter was sent to the headteacher's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. This story is a credit to all humankind. Read it, soak it in, and bask in the warm feeling that it leaves you with...

Dear School,
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I'm 94 years old and live at the local Community Home for the Aged. My family has long since passed away and I rarely have visitors. As a result, I have very limited contact with the outside world. This makes your gift especially welcome.
My roommate, Maggie Cook, has had her own radio for as long as I've known her. She listens to it all the time, though usually with headphones or the volume so low, I can't hear it. For some reason, she has never wanted to share it. Last Sunday morning, while listening to her morning gospel programs, she accidentally knocked it off it's shelf. It smashed into many pieces and caused he to cry. It was so sad. Fortunately, I had my new radio. Knowing this, Maggie asked me if she could listen to mine. I told her to bugger off.

God bless you.
Sincerely, Edna Johnson
***********************************

My wife asked me how I manage to be such a generous lover by always finishing second.

I told her, "Well it's simple: to slow myself down, I just think of something completely non-sexual."

So she asked me, "What do you think of?"

I replied, "You."
***********************************

There was an old farmer who lived on a rock.
He sat in the meadow just shaking his...

Fist at some boys who were down by the crick.
Their feet in the water their hands on their...

Marbles and playthings and at half past four.
There came a young lady she looked like a...

Pretty young creature she sat on the grass.
She pulled up her dress and she showed them her...

Ruffles and laces and white fluffy duck.
She said she was learning a new way to...

Bring up her children so they would not spit.
While the boys in the barnyard were shovelling...

Refuse and litter from yesterday's hunt.
While the girl in the meadow was rubbing her...

Eyes at the fellow down by the dock
He looked like a man with a sizeable...

Home in the country with a big fence out front
If he asked her politely she'd show him her...

Little pet dog who was subject to fits
And maybe she'd let him grab hold of her...

Small tender hands with a movement so quick
And then she'd bend over and suck on his...

Candy so tasty made of butterscotch
And then he'd spread whipped cream all over her...

Cookies that she had left out on her shelf
If you think this is dirty you can go screw yourself!

[Burnout]

A woman goes to her doctor's office, to discuss a strange development.
She has discovered a green spot on the inside of each thigh.
They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse.

The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until he gets the tests back.

A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor.
She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.
The doctor says, 'You're perfectly healthy--there' s no problem.
But I'm wondering, was your boyfriend that Harley guy in the waiting room?'
The woman stammers, 'Why, Yes, but how did you know?'

Tell him his earrings aren't real gold.

[vztrt]

Holden to investigate Commodore SS window, stereo defects by Derrick Mann

A spokesperson from Holden today expressed concern at possible climate control and stereo system faults with their popular sports series (SS) Commodore.

Holden has begun investigations into the climate control and stereo systems on the 2000, 2001 and 2002 SS sedans after being flooded with reports of these models being driven in extreme weather conditions, including the recent hot spell, with the windows down and dangerously loud music blaring.

'Air-conditioning and power windows are both standard on the SS models,” explained Holden representative John Munroe. ‘Yet we are seeing an increase in the number of drivers with the windows down and one arm on the window sill, on some very hot and humid days when one would assume air conditioning would be used.’

’We are also looking into the factory stereo and it’s interaction with these sub-systems as most of the cases observed had extremely loud music coming from the car interior,’ Munroe continued.

’Perhaps the stereo is shorting, locking ‘on’ with a high volume, causing the heater to come on without being able to be turned off and then the power windows go down and jam,’ he said.

‘This would also explain the erratic and careless driving we observed as it would have be very distracting for the drivers.’

However, Holden has not received any customer complaints at this stage, but say they are committed to being proactive in regards to customer safety and post sales support.
’Our market research has indicated a problem, with some models, particularly the V8 SS, being described by our key demographic as “sick”, “mad”, and sometimes “bad”.’

’One only has to look at the number plates owners are purchasing: “SICKSS”, “SIKTOY”, “BADVY”. Quite frankly, it’s advertising we don’t need.’

Investigations have shown nothing suggesting there may be a problem, and Holden want to stress that customers should not be worried.

‘We have checked the schematics and they has come up completely clean,” Munroe said in response to any possible public concern.

’We have not been able to replicate the problem in the lab although it did occur when Habib, a factory hand, drove one of the test cars back to storage.

Naturally we are looking over that particular car piece by piece but have found nothing so far.’

[Walt Kowalski]

An oldie I know


Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention inBoston "

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,

"What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.


Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.
"I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, " Tonto Goldstein , but my friends call me Bubba

[CPOCSM]

Soiled Bed Sheets!

This should make you smile and one for the Nurses & Security Guards as well!!

An extremely modest man was in the hospital
for a series of tests, the last of which had left
his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the
bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets and threw them out of the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the
sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing,
and swinging his arms violently trying to get the
unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled
sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up
and asked, 'What the heck is going on here?'

The drunk, still staring down at the bed sheets in amazement, replied: 'I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost.'

[Burnout]

Some old but some are new

Why did the Collingwood supporter cross the road?
Centrelink was on the other side...........

What's the difference between a Collingwood supporter and an arsonist?
An arsonist wouldn't waste 25 matches.

How do you inflict 12 months of acute pain on a Pies supporter?
Buy them a membership for Christmas!

What do u say to a Collingwood supporter with a job?
I'll have fries with that thanks.

2 Collingwood Supporters in a car without any music, who is driving?
The Policeman.

What do you call a 30 yr old woman in a Collingwood jumper?
Nanna.

You are trapped in a room with a crocodile, a tiger and a Collingwood fan.
You have a gun with 2 bullets. What do you do?
Shoot the Collingwood fan - Twice.

You know you're a Collingwood supporter when:

1. A Halloween pumpkin has more teeth than your wife does.
2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front
of her kids.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. Jack Daniel's makes your list of 'most admired people.'
5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family once died right after saying: 'Hey, watch this.'
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. A ceiling fan once ruined your wife's hairdo.
9. You think the last words of Advance Australia Fair are: 'Carn the
Maggies .'
10. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded, right off its
wheels.
11. The market value of your car goes up and down, depending on how much
petrol is in it.
12. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
13. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
14. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against
it.
15. You think 'loaded dishwasher' means your wife is drunk.
16. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
17. Your front verandah collapses and kills more than five dogs.


If you're driving along and you see a Collingwood supporter riding a bike
why shouldn't you run him over?
It could be your bike.

They found one of Josef Fritzl's daughter's diary from the infamous
Austrian "lock-up" case just last weekend. It read:
Monday - locked up at home, raped by Dad
Tuesday - locked up at home, raped by Dad
Wednesday - locked up at home, raped by Dad
Thursday - locked up at home, raped by Dad
Friday - locked up at home, raped by Dad
Saturday - went to go watch Collingwood play. Wished I stayed at home.

Two kids were having a kick in the car park outside the MCG just before a
big Carlton and Essendon match. As they were playing a dog came running
across and attacked one the of the little kids. The dog was on top of the
kids scratching and biting him so his mate who he was having a kick with
picked up a stick and started to bash the dog with it. In the end he
belted the dog so hard he actually killed it.
A news reporter witnessed this event and came rushing over for an
interview. She said to the boy " that was great, you just saved your best
mates life, this could make a great story."
So the reporter started to think of headline....
"Carlton Supporter saves best mate from savage dog attack". No said the boy
I am not a Carlton supporter.
"Essendon supporter saves best mate from savage dog attack". No said the
boy I am not an Essendon supporter either. So the lady asked who he
barracked for and he said Collingwood.
The next days headlines were " Low Life Mongrel Maims Family Dog"

Three women with footy-fan husbands are discussing their relationships.
The first says, "My husband follows the Lions and let me tell you our love
life is like one premiership after another."
The second says, "My husband is a Crows man and every night is like the
back-to-back victories of 1997 and '98."
They then look at their friend, who hasn't yet said a thing.
"What's wrong," they say as their friend starts sobbing. "Well," she says
hesitantly, "my husband supports Collingwood, and all he does is sit on
the end of the bed and tell me how wonderful it's going to be."

Why do Collingwood fans stink?
So blind people can hate them, too.


What's got 100 legs and 4 teeth?

The front row of the Collingwood cheer squad.

What is your wife trying to tell you if she's wearing a Collingwood shirt
to bed?
You ain't going to score.

A Collingwood couple gets married and are on their honeymoon.
The woman changes into a racy outfit and lies on the bed. She looks
sheepishly up at her new hubby and whispers, "Please be gentle with me.
I'm a virgin."
The man gets up screaming, grabs his trousers and runs home to tell his
father, who comforts him by saying, "Now, now. It'll be okay, son. If she
wasn't good enough for her own family, then she isn't good enough for
ours."

How many Collingwood fans does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven - one to change it, five to moan about it and make excuses and Mick
Malthouse to say that if the umpire had done his job in the first place
the light bulb would never have gone out

A truck driver is driving down the highway when he sees a priest
hitch-hiking. He stops to pick up the priest, but he has a few misgivings
about giving him a ride as usually when the driver sees a
Collingwood supporter on the road he runs them over. But with a priest in
the truck, he wouldn't be able to carry out his favorite pastime.
But being a good bloke, the truck driver decides to pick up the priest and
forgo his fun for this one trip.
Just after the priest jumps into the cab they come across a Collingwood
supporter hitchhiking.
The diver decides to swerve to avoid the Collingwood supporter but hears a
huge "BOOM!"
The driver looks over at the priest, who says, "Don't worry - I got him
with the door


A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender.
The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him,
"What's your IQ?"
The man replies, "150", and the robot proceeds to make conversation about
global warming, factors, quantum physics and spirituality,
biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory,
nano-technology, and s*xual proclivities.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool.", and
decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and
comes back in for another drink.
Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him,
"What's your IQ?"
"About a 100," the man responds.
Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time about football, the
Bathurst 1000, cricket, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and the
like.
Really impressed, the man leaves then walks in again.
"What's your IQ?" the robot asks.
"Er, 50, I think."
And the robot responds, very, very slowly, "So, I expect you'll be
following Collingwood again this year?"

What do you do for a drowning Collingwood player?
Nothing. You could drag him to the top, but he'll choke anyway.

Why did Cinderella run away from the ball?
Because she played for Collingwood.

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children
What their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came out: fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.
However, Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher
asked him about his father ..
Billy responded: "My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off
all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really
good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep
with him."
The teacher quickly sent the other children outside with some work and took
little Billy aside to ask him if what he'd said was really true.
"No" said Billy ,"He plays AFL football for the Collingwood Football
Club but I was just too embarrassed to say ..."

Joffa took his 8 year old son to a Pies Game. At half time, an opposition
supporter called one of the Pies cheer squad a transvestite,
prompting Joffa's son to ask him, 'Dad, what's a transvestite?', to which
Joffa replied, 'Go ask your mum, he'll know'.

What do you call a group of Collingwood supporters running off in the same
direction?
A Jailbreak!

What is the difference between a Pizza and a Collingwood supporter?
Pizza can feed a family of four.

A group of Collingwood supporters are standing on their tip toes up to
their necks in water What is the problem?
Not enough water.

How do you know if your house has been robbed by a Collingwood supporter?
Your bins are empty and your dogs pregnant.

What do you call a Collingwood supporter with half a brain?
Gifted.


Another Collingwood girl was involved in a serious crash, there's blood
everywhere.
The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying
flat out on the road.
Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."
Sharon: "Ok."
Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"
Sharon: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"

A Collingwood girl walks into the local dry cleaners.
She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to
pick up my dress." she says.
"Come again?" says the worker, cupping his ear.
"No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."

[pauljh74]

2 men went to buy Collingwood memberships when the person behind the counter asked if they were circumcised, to which they replied, "Yes". The person said, " Sorry, I can't sell you a Collingwood membership as you have to be a complete *Rick Kelly* to buy one

*Had to substitute a word that means the same as Rick Kelly to get it through.

[guitarman]

Q: What's black and white and red all over?
A: A Collingwood supporter with 175 bullets in him.

Q: What is the densest of all woods, and the most inferior?
A: Colling wood.

Q: Why do they sometimes call the Colling Tree the 'Lava Tree'?
A: Because Colling wood is sh*thouse.

[guitarman]

Q: How do drivers minimise Swine Flu outbreaks?
A: Don't get a large boar and stroke.

Authorities are using unlocked Holdens to attract young feral pigs, because research has shown overwhelmingly that this make always attracts small boars.

[jtothakz]

how many post dose it take to access the for sale section...


nah really that was the joke.. it's a joke

[FRDGAL]

Originally Posted by Burnedout

A woman goes to her doctor's office, to discuss a strange development.
She has discovered a green spot on the inside of each thigh.
They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse.

The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until he gets the tests back.

A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor.
She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.
The doctor says, 'You're perfectly healthy--there' s no problem.
But I'm wondering, was your boyfriend that Harley guy in the waiting room?'
The woman stammers, 'Why, Yes, but how did you know?'

Tell him his earrings aren't real gold.

Lol. Nice

[Burnout]

A man boards a plane and, on reaching his seat, he is surprised to see a parrot
strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the
parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered,
brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls,
"And get me another whisky, you !". Quite upset, the girl comes back
shaking, with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach, "I've
asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick your ***".

Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched out of their seats and
thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.

Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly,
you're a lippy bastard!"

[XR6_661]

Pre season training for the NSW 2009 state of origin team in Sydney was delayed nearly two hours late this morning, after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the ground.

Initially officials thought it was a prank, The Coach immediately suspended training, while police and ASIO were called to investigate.

After a complete analysis, NSW Police forensic experts determined that the white substance, unfamiliar to most of the players, was in fact, the try line.

Practice was resumed this afternoon after Police & ASIO decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.

[Black F6]

Originally Posted by XR6_661

Pre season training for the NSW 2009 state of origin team in Sydney was delayed nearly two hours late this morning, after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the ground.

Initially officials thought it was a prank, The Coach immediately suspended training, while police and ASIO were called to investigate.

After a complete analysis, NSW Police forensic experts determined that the white substance, unfamiliar to most of the players, was in fact, the try line.

Practice was resumed this afternoon after Police & ASIO decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.

Youll be singing another tune tomorrow night, CMON THE MIGHTY BLUES :

[Charliewool]

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of Lake Burley Griffin in Canberra

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how
You can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size
As kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the lake near the parking lot by the Parliament
House.'

'Same here. Hmm.. How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock
The car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the crap out of
Them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not
Getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the crap
Out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an ******** and a briefcase.'

[Valid8]

Little Johnny wakes up to the sound of his mum moaning, so he walks down the hallway and opens her bedroom door to see his dad on top of his mum going for his life. "What are you doing ?" Protests Johnny and his dad laughs at Johnny and orders him back to his own room.
The next day his dad returns home from work to notice moans coming from Johnny's room. On opening the door his dad is shocked to discover Johnny on top of his granny goin for his life. " What the hell are you doing ?" His dad yells, " Aha " replies little Johnny, " Its not so funny when its your mum, is it?" :

[FGII-XR6]

THE BROTHEL
The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified,
well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you sir?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer
someone else", said the madam.

"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a
visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to
Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left...


The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see
Valerie... Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in
a row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was
still £5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to
Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but
he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man,
"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.
Where are you from?"

The man replied, " Edinburgh ."

"Really", she said. "I have family in
Edinburgh .."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was
instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer

[FGII-XR6]

THE LODGER

A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger.

She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they
didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

'Mondays the best night, when my husband goes out to darts', she said, so
the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled
the bath and watched as the girl got undressed.

She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and told
her husband when he came home.

He didn't believe her so she said, 'Next week I'll leave a gap in the
curtains so that you can see for yourself'.

The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked,
'Do you shave?'

'No', replied the girl. 'I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you
have hairs?'

'Oh yes', said the woman and she showed off her thick, hairy Muff.

When the husband got back in she asked, 'Did you see it?'

'Yes', he said. 'But why the hell did you have to show her Yours?'

'Why not?' she said. 'You've seen it all before.'

'I know', he said, 'but the darts team hadn't'!

[gtfpv]

Originally Posted by au3xr6

THE LODGER

A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger.

She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they
didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

'Mondays the best night, when my husband goes out to darts', she said, so
the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled
the bath and watched as the girl got undressed.

She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and told
her husband when he came home.

He didn't believe her so she said, 'Next week I'll leave a gap in the
curtains so that you can see for yourself'.

The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked,
'Do you shave?'

'No', replied the girl. 'I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you
have hairs?'

'Oh yes', said the woman and she showed off her thick, hairy Muff.

When the husband got back in she asked, 'Did you see it?'

'Yes', he said. 'But why the hell did you have to show her Yours?'

'Why not?' she said. 'You've seen it all before.'

'I know', he said, 'but the darts team hadn't'!

ahahahahahahah. that's hilarious .

[LowEL2XR8]

Thought for the day

How do you make "Do Not Touch" sign in Braille?