What jokes do you know?

[Burnout]

The bodybuilder and the blonde

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great
chest you have."

He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby."

He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive calves you have."

The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby."

He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the
apartment screaming in fear.

The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches
up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.

The blonde replies,"I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw
how short the fuse was!

[XR6_661]

Originally Posted by rodderz

A man asks a blonde if his indicator lights are working

"no! yes! no! yes! no! yes! hang on.... yes! no!"

Haha this reminds me of my missus.

We were checking her EF indicators when we first picked it up, anyway, I flicked on the indicator and she said, "Wait, only one is working."

[pauljh74]

how many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

3

1 to try and do it

another to tell her she is doing it wrong

and the 3rd to go get a man to do it for them
: :

[Burnout]

Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one.
He screams, "I slept with your MOTHER!"

The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.

The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!"

The other says: "Go home, dad - you're drunk."

[FGII-XR6]

Michael Jackson died of a heart attack this morning after he discovered
that boyz II men was a band, not a delivery service

Los Angeles police have now been round to Michael Jackson's Neverland
ranch this afternoon. It is being reported that they found Class A drugs
in his kitchen, Class B drugs in his bathroom and Class 4C in his
bedroom

The Jackson Family Are Having Trouble With The Under Taker. They want cash
and won't take plastic

Michael Jackson is not going to be buried or cremated but recycled into
shopping bags so he can remain white, plastic and dangerous for kids to
play with

[FGII-XR6]

does this take the award for stupidity?

[FGII-XR6]

A man walks into a Chinese restaurant and is told by the maitre'd that
there will be at least a twenty minute wait, would he like to wait in the
bar. So he goes and has a seat at the bar.

The bartender walks up and says with a heavy accent, "What you rike dlink?"

The man replies, "Give me a Stoli with a twist."

The bartender squints at him for a few seconds, then smiles and says, "Once
upon time were FOUR rittle pigs..."

[FGII-XR6]

the latest in boat launching

[FGII-XR6]

.......

[Charliewool]

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown
emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says,
'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'


'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man. The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big **** and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'

[Velociraptor82]

Mistakes on a resume
These are from actual resumes:

"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs.

"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."

"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."

"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

"Number of dependents: 40."

"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."

RESUME BLOOPERS

"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

"Responsibility makes me nervous."

"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."

REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:

"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."

"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."

"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:

"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."

"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."

"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."

"I'm a rabid typist."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation."

[Velociraptor82]

Once I came upon this pretty new temp standing in front of the paper shredder with a confused look on her face. I asked if she needed any help and she said, "Yeah, how does this thing work ?" I took the papers from her hand and demonstrated how to work the shredder. She stood there a moment with yet another confused expression, so I said, "Any questions ?" She said, "Yeah, exactly where do the copies come out from ?"

[cool65]

Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack

[xr8-200]

Originally Posted by Velociraptor82

Once I came upon this pretty new temp standing in front of the paper shredder with a confused look on her face. I asked if she needed any help and she said, "Yeah, how does this thing work ?" I took the papers from her hand and demonstrated how to work the shredder. She stood there a moment with yet another confused expression, so I said, "Any questions ?" She said, "Yeah, exactly where do the copies come out from ?"

I had a simular thing happen at work a few years ago. I walked into the office and a chick was standing there looking confused and said to me "How do you send a fax on this?". I replied "I don't know, It's a printer".

[xbrules]

Jeff dunham and Walter Talking about the Toyota Prius
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qP-tyvBGla4

[Jason[98.EL]]

Goodbye Grandad

Poor old Granddad's passed away, cut off in his prime,

He never had a day off crook - gone before his time,

We found him in the dunny, collapsed there on the seat,

A startled look upon his face, his trousers around his feet,

The doctor said his heart was good - fit as any trout,

The Constable he had his say, 'foul play' was not ruled out.

There were theories at the inquest of snakebite without trace,


Of redbacks quietly creeping and death from outer space,

No-one had a clue at all - the judge was in some doubt,

When Dad was called to have his say as to how it came about,

'I reckon I can clear it up,' said Dad with trembling breath,

'You see it's quite a story - but it could explain his death.'

'This here exploration mob had been looking at our soil,

And they reckoned that our farm was just the place for oil,

So they came and put a bore down and said they'd make some trials,

They drilled a hole as deep as hell, they said about three miles.

Well, they never found a trace of oil and off they went, post haste,

And I couldn't see a hole like that go to flamin' waste,

So I moved the dunny over it - real smart move I thought,

I'd never have to dig again - I'd never be 'caught short'.

The day I moved the dunny, it looked a proper sight,

But I didn't dream poor Granddad would pass away that night,

Now I reckon what has happened - poor Granddad didn't know,

The dunny was re-located when that night he had to go.

And you'll probably be wondering how poor Granddad did his dash--

Well, he always used to hold his breath

Until he heard the splash!!

[FGII-XR6]

New car

I bought a new falcon and returned to the dealer yesterday because I
couldn't get the radio to work. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. 'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio. The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?' 'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.

Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant ' Georgia On My Mind'
replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say,
'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,
'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, 'A.. Hole!'
Immediately the radio responded with, "Ladies and gentlemen,the prime minister of Australia."

Damn I love this car ...

[Feathers]

A helicopter pilot is taking his buddy up for a ride, flying around Seattle, and the fog rolls in. They get lost.
Finally, the cloud parts and they see someone standing on a rooftop.
They yell down to him, "Hey! Where are we?"
The rooftop guy responds, "You're in a helicopter!"
The helicopter pilot laughs and says, "I know exactly where we are. We're above the Microsoft office in Redmond, where they write the online help."
His buddy says "Huh? How do you know that?"
And the pilot replies, "The information was absolutely accurate, but not at all helpful."

[FGII-XR6]

My ex wife bought a book titled "Cheap and Easy Vegetarian Cooking". It's ideal, as not only is she a Vegetarian….............................

[FGII-XR6]

A new priest was so nervous at his first Mass that he could hardly speak. After Mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass."

So the next Sunday, he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after Mass, he found the following note on the door:

To Our New Curate - A Few Tips.
* Sip the vodka, don't gulp it.
* There are 10 commandments, not 12.
* There are 12 disciples, not 10.
* Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
* Jacob wagered his donkey; he did not bet his ***.
* We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late JC.
* The Father, Son and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
* David slew Goliath; he did not kick the out of him.
* When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ***.
* We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
* When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
* The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
* The recommended grace before a meal is not, "Rub-A-Dub-Dub, Thanks for the grub, yeah God."

[FGII-XR6]

The Trouble With Email : It's wise to remember how easily email, wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything is prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

PS. Sure is hot down here.

[FGII-XR6]

A blind guy walks into a bar, sits down and asked the bartender if they would like to hear a blonde joke.

The bartender replies, "Look mate I'll take it easy on you because you are blind, but you’re in a lesbian bar. I am blond, the girl to your left is a professional boxer, and blonde, the girl to your right is a weight lifter, and also blond, and both the security girls are blond as well. Are you sure you want to tell that blond joke?”

The blind guy thinks for a minute and replies “Not if I’m going to have to explain it 5 times.”

[FGII-XR6]

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him.

He ran as fast as he could. As he looked over his shoulder he saw the bear was closing in. He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.

His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear on top of him and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

[Burnout]

If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts and
thinking things through!

-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new
boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The
room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant
business.

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, 'How much money
do you make a week?'

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'I make $400 a
week. Why?'

The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four weeks
pay, now GET OUT and don't come back.'

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and
asked,
'Does anyone here want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?'

From across the room came a voice, 'Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.'

[cheyne666]

Q. What's blue and sleeps with old women?
A. Me and my lucky blue jacket.

[pauljh74]

Talk about being shell-shocked!

I recently came back from a tour of duty in Afghanistan.

Having not seen my wife for several months, I was looking forward to a night of hot passionate sex with her.

Unfortunately she came out of the shower with a towel wrapped round her head and I shot her!
**********************************

Jesus, in a very worried state, convened all of his apostles and disciples to an emergency meeting because of the high drug consumption problem all over the world. After giving it much thought they reached the conclusion that in order to better deal with the problem, that They should try the drugs themselves and then decide on the correct way to proceed. It was therefore decided that a commission made up of some of the members return to earth to get the different types of drugs.
The secret operation is effected and two days later the eager Jesus, waiting at the door, hears a knock:
"Who is it?"
"It's Paul"
Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Paul?"
"Hashish from Morocco"
"Very well son, come in."
Another knock ..."Who is it?"
"It's Mark",Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Mark?"
"Marijuana from Colombia"
"Very well son, come in."
Another knock ... "Who is it?"
"It's Matthew" Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Matthew ?"
"Cocaine from Bolivia"
"Very well son, come in."
Another knock ..."Who is it?"
"It's John" Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring John?"
"Crack from New York"
"Very well son, come in."
Another knock ..."Who is it?"
"It's Luke" Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Luke?"
"Speed from Amsterdam"
"Very well son, come in."
Another knock ..."Who is it?"
"It's Judas" Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Judas?"
"FBI! EVERYONE AGAINST THE WALL!"
***********************************

[sarrge2001]

A Pakistani dies and goes to Heaven.

He knocks on the Pearly Gates and St. Peter opens them.

"Yes?", asks St. Peter.

"I am here for Jesus", says the Pakistani.

St Peter turns and shouts over his shoulder, "Jesus, your taxi's here."

[FGII-XR6]

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of the
Granville Presbyterian church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It
happened again the next week. The following
Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady
put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks
until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the
collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some
of it to the church."

The pastor asked, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

The old lady replied, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful! What does he do for a
living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he
practice?"

The little old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las
Vegas and one in Reno ."

[FGII-XR6]

public toilet sign

[FGII-XR6]

Mike was attending his 4X4 club's monthly meeting and had just told them he
couldn't make the camping trip scheduled for the next day because his wife
wouldn't let him go.

After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow 4X4
friends Mike left to go back home to his wife.

When Mike's friends started arriving to set up camp the next day, who
should be there but Mike sitting up in front of his truck, tent up,
fishing rod in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.

"How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Mike?"
"I didn't have to" was Mike's reply.

"When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a
beer to drown my sorrows. Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered my
eyes and said, 'Surprise'!"

When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see
through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom,
tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want."

So here I am!