What jokes do you know?

[Burnout]

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Jaguar XK-8 in front of the
office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck
came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore the driver's door
off of the Jag.

He immediately grabbed his mobile phone and dialed 000.

In less than five minutes, a policeman pulled up. Before the cop had a
chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically.
His Jag, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely
ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to
make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting, the cop shook his
head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you high
paid lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that
you don't notice anything else." .

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Didn't you know that your left arm is missing from the
elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you." .

"OH MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer, "My Rolex!"

[burnz]

yep it happens

[burnz]

how accurate is this!!

[terri tx]

Here is a little calculation to help you find your all time favourite movie, mine was Indiana Jones, give it a go it really works...

· ok, pick a number from 1 - 9

· multiply it by 3

· add 3

· then multiply by 3 again

· then add the two digits together and then your film is the one which number you have - then scroll down...never wrong










1 . Gone with the Wind

2. Back to the Future

3. Jaws

4. Star Wars

5. Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark

6. Terminator

7. The Sound of Music

8. Predator

9. Gay Rent Boys in Leather taking it up the **** vol .2

10. Saving Private Ryan

How'd you go?

[grandpa_spec_F6]

A woman at the ripe old age of 95 dies and goes to heaven.

Her funeral is attended by many people including her best friends, extended family and relatives.

She lived a full life, one that produced 23 children, 56 grandchildren and countless great grandchildren from 4 different different husbands.

At the funeral the priest closed with "And finally lord, they are together"

Maggie, one of her best friends turned to Joyce and inquires "so... which husband do you think the priest was referring to?"

Joyce quietly replies.... "I think he was talking about her legs"

[xtremerus]

Originally Posted by terri tx

Here is a little calculation to help you find your all time favourite movie, mine was Indiana Jones, give it a go it really works...

· ok, pick a number from 1 - 9

· multiply it by 3

· add 3

· then multiply by 3 again

· then add the two digits together and then your film is the one which number you have - then scroll down...never wrong










1 . Gone with the Wind

2. Back to the Future

3. Jaws

4. Star Wars

5. Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark

6. Terminator

7. The Sound of Music

8. Predator

9. Gay Rent Boys in Leather taking it up the **** vol .2

10. Saving Private Ryan

How'd you go?

I'm not going to say what mine was

[XC GXL]

Murphy, an Irishman, applied for a Blacksmith's job.

At the interview he was asked if he had any experience shoeing horses …

He said, "No, but I once told a donkey to f off."

[FGII-XR6]

THIS IS LABOUR GOVERNMENT

REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and
improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the
summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the
cold.

THE END

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The ALP VERSION

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and
improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the
summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.

The ABC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper;
with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

The Australian press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so, while others have plenty.

The ALP, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of
Australia demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house. The ABC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Canberra with breaking news, broadcasts a multi-cultural choir singing 'We shall overcome'.

Peter Garret rants in an interview with Derryn Hinch that the
squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an
immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his 'fair share' and
increases the charge for squirrels to enter Sydney .

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for
failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the
grasshopper did not want to work.
The grasshopper is provided with a DOH house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re-distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly
imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Australia as they had to share their country of origin with mice.
On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Australias apparent love of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to return them to their own country were abandoned, because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people's credit cards.

A Todat Tonight special shows the grasshopper finishing the last of the
squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the DOH
house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshoppers' drug 'illness'.

The cats seek recompense in the Australian courts for their treatment since arrival in Australia .

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him.. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.

A Royal commission, that will eventually cost $10,000,000 and state
the obvious, is set up. Additional money is put into funding a drug
rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers
representing asylum seekers is increased. The government praises the
asylum-seeking cats for enriching Australias multicultural diversity, and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison.
They call for the resignation of a government minister.

The cats are paid a million dollars each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in
Australia .

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage of their Income to cover losses. Their taxes are increased to pay for law and order, and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.

THE END

[FGII-XR6]

In 2003 the US Navy initiates it's new "Terrorist Catch & Release Program"


..........

[FGII-XR6]

Little Margaret Mary was not the best student in Catholic School .. Usually
she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell me
Margaret Mary, who created the universe?'

When Margaret Mary didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting
behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear..

'God Almighty!' shouted Margaret Mary.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Margaret Mary, 'Who is our Lord and Saviour?'

But Margaret Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to
her rescue and stuck Margaret Mary in the butt with the pencil.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Margaret Mary and the Nun once again said,'Very
good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she
had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Margaret Mary jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that #*%*#@^
thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted.

[V3RSAC3]

Originally Posted by terri tx

Here is a little calculation to help you find your all time favourite movie, mine was Indiana Jones, give it a go it really works...

· ok, pick a number from 1 - 9

· multiply it by 3

· add 3

· then multiply by 3 again

· then add the two digits together and then your film is the one which number you have - then scroll down...never wrong










1 . Gone with the Wind

2. Back to the Future

3. Jaws

4. Star Wars

5. Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark

6. Terminator

7. The Sound of Music

8. Predator

9. Gay Rent Boys in Leather taking it up the **** vol .2

10. Saving Private Ryan

How'd you go?

How did it know? Thats amazing!

[Iggypoppin']

are you returning nathan?

[V3RSAC3]

Originally Posted by 76txcoupe

are you returning nathan?

I think, maybe yes. I'm undecided, I'll play it as it comes. Always good to catchup on whats going on.

[Iggypoppin']

good to see you back mate.

[xr8 utey]

Maybe the Best Blonde Joke Ever!

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it. Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again? '

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.'

[Burnout]

How men and women differ

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura,
Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other
as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even
though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and
none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man
would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and
hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people
remembering the same thing.
What a woman says: C'mon...This place is a mess. You and I need to clean.
Your trousers are on the floor and you'll have no clothes if we don't do
the laundry now.
What a man hears: C'MON ... blah, blah, blah YOU AND I blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO
CLOTHES blah, blah,blah, blah, NOW

[pauljh74]

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a...ihg32h9gj00kfkkkkkkfmmnnn273fbf111...

...BLOODY HELL KANYE LET GO OF THE KEYBOARD!
*******************************

The problem with political jokes is.

They get elected.
*******************************

I have the best job in the world. I get to travel around filling a vast amount of cracks with my specially formalated liquid.

My name is Gavin, and I work for Autoglass.
*******************************

Ever seen that film "War Games"? A computer hacker nearly starts World War 3 when he and his girlfriend break into America's military defence system.
But you have to suspend your disbelief, don't you? After all, it's a bit far-fetched, isn't it? I mean, come on - a computer hacker with a girlfriend?
*******************************

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Interrupting Kanye

Interrupting Kan...... I know you're telling a knock knock joke, and I'm gonna let you finish, but the interrupting cow had the best knock knock joke of all time!

[prydey]

Originally Posted by pauljh74

but the interrupting cow had the best knock knock joke of all time!

interupting cow one is easily the best one i've ever heard.

[V3RSAC3]

LMFAO... There Golden!

[Trek]

Originally Posted by burnz

how accurate is this!!

Almost in tears after reading this, burnz. As far as generalisations go, it hits the nail on the proverbial head!

[FPVF6X189]

A Powerful Message from Stevie Wonder
On Michael Jackson's Death.
....... .. . . .. ...
.. . . . . . . . . .. . ... .. .. .. . . ..
... ... ... ... ... ... ... .... ...... ..... .. ... .... ..... .. .
.. . . . .... . . . ... .. . ... .. .. .. . . ..... . ....
... .... .... .... .. . ... .. .. .. . . ... ..... .... .... ....
..... ..... ..... .. . . .... ....
. .. . ...... ..... .. ... .... ..... .. ... .. . ... .. .......
..... .. ... .... ..... .. . .. . .... ..... .. . . ...
...... ... .... ... .. ... ....... ... .. .... ... ... .... ....
. .. .. ... ..... .. . ... ..... .. ... ..... .. .. . . ....
.. ... . . .. .. . .... ..... .. . .. .. ... ..... .... .. ... ...
...... . .. .... ... ..

Deep stuff, eh?
I nearly cried when he said ". .. . . . .. .. . .. .. . . ..... ...."

[FPVF6X189]

Teacher: Johnny, why have you not given me your homework?

Little Johnny: I made it into a paper aeroplane and someone hijacked it.

[FPVF6X189]

AL QAIDA

OFFICE OF OSAMA BIN LADEN

CAVE 7422, TORA BORA, AFGHANISTAN

INTERNAL MEMORANDUM

To all Jihadists,

Subject: The Cave (do not distribute outside the Organization)

Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really
come together as a group and I love that! However, while we continue to
fight the infidels in this New Year, we can't forget to take care of the
cave, and frankly I have a few concerns.

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we
should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid
excessive dust inhalation (a health and safety issue), so we need to sweep
the cave daily.

I've done my bit on the cleaning - Rota .. have you? I've posted a sign-up
sheet near the cave reception area (next to the halal toaster).

Second, it's not often I make a video address. But when I do, I'm trying to
scare the **** out of most of the world's population, okay? That means that
while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or
keep doing the 'wassup' thing. Thanks.

Third - food. I bought a box of Dairylea recently. I clearly wrote Ossy on
the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairylea slices
were gone. Consideration - that's all I'm saying.

Fourth, I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance
ourselves from the infidel's bat and ball games. Please do not chant Ozzy,
ozzy, ozzy, oi, oi, oi when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks.

Fifth - graffiti. Whoever wrote OSAMA ****S DONKEYS on the group toilet
wall - it's a lie. The donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving
myself at the edge of the mountain.

Sixth, the use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam - the old excuse
that the 'chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the
edge of the mountain' will not be accepted in future (with donkeys, there
is a grey area).

Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying
to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First
patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave.

Love you lots,

Group Hug.

Os.

PS - I'm sick of having Osama Bed Linen scribbled on my laundry bag. Cut it
out, it's not funny anymore.

[V3RSAC3]

A man boarded an aircraft at London ’s Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

[V3RSAC3]

Think before you speak...

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -


The last one is great!


Have you ever spoken and wished that you could


immediately take the words back...


or that you could crawl into a hole?


Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....





FIRST TESTIMONY:





I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
an d asked loudly,
'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'


I turned around and walked back out and never went back


My husband didn't say a word...


he knew better.




SECOND TESTIMONY:


I was at the=2 0golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.


I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.


After browsing for several minutes,


I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.


He asked if he could help me.


Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men 's balls .






THIRD TESTIMONY:


My sister and I were at the mall and


passed by a store that sold a


variety of candy and nuts.


As we were looking at the display case,


the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.


I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'


My sister started to laugh hysterically.


The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.


To this day,


my sister has never let me forget.







FOURTH TESTIMONY:


While in line at the bank one afternoon,


my toddler decided to release


some p ent-up energy and ran amok.


I was finally able to grab hold of


her after receiving looks of disgust


and annoyance from other patrons.


I told her that if she did not start behaving


'right now' she would be punished.


To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,


'If you don't let me go right now,


I will tell Grandma that I saw you


kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'


The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange..


Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.


I mustered up the last of my dignity and


walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.


The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.





FIFTH TESTIMONY:


Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?


My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.


One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands


It was very busy, with a full dining room.



While enjoying my taco,


I smelled something funny,


so of course I checked


my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.


The realized that Danny


had not asked to go potty in a while.


I asked him if he needed to go,


and he said 'No' .


I kept thinking


'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.'


Then I said,


'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'


'No,' he replied.


I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, becau se the smell was getting worse.


Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident ?This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,


bent over, spread his cheeks


and yelled


'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'


While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,


he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.


An old couple made me feel better,


thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!






LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:


This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days


and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,


in the future, likely think before she speaks.


What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!


We had a female news anchor that,


the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,


turned to the weatherman and asked:


'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'


Not only did HE have to leave the set,


but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

[homegrown]

How many Irishman does it take to change a light bulb?
3.
One to stand on the chair, two to spin him around.

[FGII-XR6]

"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the
altar," the Preacher says:

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what
do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand
on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue
streak for Leroy.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,
"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next Wednesday!"

[falzoony]

Lol some good stuff in here.

[falzoony]

Found this on another forum, tried to clean up the swearing as best as I could.

[Rhino-351]

Authorities have located the source of Wednesdays (23/09/09) dust storm. Some idiot opened the NSW State of Origin trophy cabinet. hehehe