What jokes do you know?

[FGII-XR6]

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a
Catholic Hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going
to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had any health insurance.
He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the
bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who also is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns
are married to God."
The patient replied, "Ok, send the bill to my brother-in-law."

[FGII-XR6]

The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.


Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.


They reached the pearly gates, and St.. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'


The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven..'
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth...
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'





Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man.. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied.. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!'


The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or....'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your bran Flakes & exercise!!! We could have been here ten years ago!'

[Fled74]

What's the difference between a long-distance run and Gordon Ramsay?

One's a pant in the country, and the other is...

[TheInterceptor]

What do you call a woman who always knows where her husband is?

A widow..

[FGII-XR6]

The four Goldberg Brothers

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and
developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17,
1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked
his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the
most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and
instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned
on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he
offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they
wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg
Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no
way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4
million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show -- Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max
-- on the controls.

[FGII-XR6]

On Thursday, 24th January 2002 , Derek Guille broadcast this story on his
afternoon program on ABC radio.

In March 1999 a man living in Kandos (near Mudgee in NSW, Australia )
received a bill for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed $0.00.

He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another bill and
threw that one away too.

The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note stating that
they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn't send them $0..00 by
return mail.

He called them, talked to them, and they said it was a computer error and
they would take care of it.

The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the
troublesome gas line figuring that if there was usage on the account it
would put an end to this ridiculous predicament.

However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off.

He called the gas company who apologised for the computer error once again
and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for
$0.00 stating that payment was now overdue.

Assuming that having spoken to them the previous day the latest bill was
yet another mistake, he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as
good as their word and sort the problem out.

The next month he got a bill for $0.00. This bill also stated that he had
10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to
recover the debt.

Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the gas company at their own
game and mailed them a cheque for $0.00. The computer duly processed his
account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the Gas
company nothing at all.

A week later, the manager of the Mudgee branch of the Westpac Banking
Corporation called our hapless friend and asked him what he was doing
writing cheque for $0.00.

After a lengthy explanation the bank manager replied that the $0.00 cheque
had caused their cheque processing software to fail. The bank could
therefore not process ANY cheques they had received from ANY of their
customers that day because the cheque for $0.00 had caused the computer to
crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the gas company claiming
that his cheque had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he
sent a cheque by return mail they would take immediate steps to recover
the debt.

At this point, the man decided to file a debt harassment claim against the
gas company. It took him nearly two hours to convince the clerks at the
local courthouse that he was not joking.

They subsequently helped him in the drafting of statements which were
considered substantive evidence of the aggravation and difficulties he had
been forced to endure during this debacle.

The matter was heard in the Magistrate's Court in Mudgee and the outcome
was this:

The gas company was ordered to:

[1] Immediately rectify their computerised accounts system or show cause,
within 10 days, why the matter should not be referred to a higher Court
for consideration under Company Law.

[2] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by the Man.

[3] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by all the Westpac clients whose
cheques had been bounced on the day our friend's had been processed.

[4] Pay the claimant's court costs; and

[5] Pay the claimant a total of $1500 per month for the 5 month period,
March to July inclusive as compensation for the aggravation they had
caused their client to suffer.

And all this over $0.00.

Who employs these idiots??

Remember, these "people" walk among us and breathe the same air we do.

Our Politicians Advisors and head public servants have the same mind set,
God Help Us!

[FGII-XR6]

Messages

On a bitterly cold morning in Canberra, Kevvy is being chauffeured to
Parliament House. It is so cold that Lake Burley Griffin has frozen over.
As he jumps out of the Caprice, Kevvy looks over the Lake & notices that
someone has "peed" on the ice & left a message
"KEVVY SUCKS".

Kevvy is enraged & orders ASIO to investigate with "no expenses spared" &
to report within two weeks.

Two weeks later, the head of ASIO reports to the PM & says "our
investigation is over & I have three pieces of news for you....good news,
bad news & terribly bad shocking news".

Well says Kevvy, give me the good news. The head of ASIO says "We spent $5
million dollars on the investigation & have come to a successful result".

Well says Kevvy what's the bad news?

The head of ASIO says "The DNA testing shows the urine is Wayne Swann's".
Kevvy is shocked beyond belief.

Looking pale, Kevvy says " and what is the terribly bad shocking news?"

The ASIO chief replies " It's Julia Gillard's hand writing".

[FGII-XR6]

Even Children are getting the message before some adults

A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the footpath in front of
her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number tiny creatures; in
her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.

Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car
stepped a tall, grinning man.

"Hi there, little girl, I'm Prime Minister Rudd What do you have in the
basket?" he asked.

"Kittens," little Suzy said.

"How old are they?" asked K. Rudd

Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."

"And what kind of kittens are they?"

"Labor kittens," answered Suzy with a smile.

Rudd was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR
chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.

Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the Prime
Minister should return the next day, and, in front of the assembled media,
have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.

So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of
"FREE KITTENS" when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans
from ABC, 7, SBS, TEN and 9.

Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then K. Rudd got out of
his limo and walked over to little Suzy.

"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out
there what kind of kittens you're giving away."

"Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're Liberals."

Taken by surprise, the Prime Minister stammered, "But ... But ...
yesterday, you told me they were Labor."

Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know. But today, they have their eyes
open."

[Mickxr8]

John Howard, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The
devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is
finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so
Putin writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she
is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so
she writes him a check.
Finally John Howard gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is
finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Howard got to call Australia so cheaply.
The devil smiles and replies: "Since Rudd took over, the country has
gone to hell, so it's a local call.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[go_ford]

Chuck norris CAN believe its not butter

chuck norris can touch mc hammer

Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris aint hung like a horse, horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris is so scary, he gives freddy krueger nightmares.

Germex kills 99.9% of germs, Chuck norris kills 100% of whatever the **** he wants

chuck norris sleeps with a nightlight not because he is scarded of the dark but because the dark is scareded of chuck norris

Not only can Chuck lead a horse to water...he can make it drink too...

chuck norris once got in a knife fight. the knife lost.

Chuck Norris doesnt sleep , he waits.

When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang, it doesn't dare come back

Chuck Norris doesn't feel the cold. The cold Feels Chuck norris

Chuck Norris doesn't count the women he's slept with, he counts the women he hasn't slept with.

chuck Norris found out how to make his ***** 12 inches long ... By folding it in half

why did the chicken cross the road?? it didnt cos chuck norris was there..

[Hardtopxb]

Every day, a male co- worker walks up very close to a woman at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer,takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Supervisor is puzzled and asks "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith. The midget."

[outside]

the NSW state of origin team

[pauljh74]

My wife warned me last night, "if you order one of those annoying vuvuzelas off the internet, I'll never speak to you again"

So I ordered a dozen just to make sure.
*******************************

My wife barely notices the racket all those vuvuzelas make throughout the World Cup matches.
She's used to hearing a tirade of horns every time she pulls out at a roundabout.
*******************************

Today in Africa someone dies every 3 seconds.

Just think, by the 90th minute that's 1800 fewer Vuvuzelas.
*******************************

My girlfriend said to me the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains and men nothing?"
I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."
*******************************

Quote in paper: 'South African team have to go out and prove they are men today'
Makes a change from their runners trying to prove they are women.
*******************************

Went to the chemist for some condoms...
Got the Robert Green ones, extra slippery and guaranteed to catch bugger all!
*******************************

So this little boy is in the playground when some bullies come along, and they say to him:
"Hey, purple lemon, you suck!" And the boy doesn't know what a purple lemon is, so he asks. And the bullies say:
"Well, you'll just have to ask a teacher then, won't you?" And so he goes and asks a teacher what a purple lemon is.
"Go to the Headmaster!" She screeches. And he goes and asks the Head what a purple lemon is.
"I'm sorry, but this is big, we'll have to go to the police." The Head replies sadly, calling 999.
When the police arrive, the boy says:
"But I just want to know what a purple lemon is!"
And the police look at him, and take him back to their headquarters, where they call the army, and an army officer arrives. The boy, now in tears, asks;
"But what's a purple lemon?" The soldier looks to the policemen, shakes his head and takes the boy to go see a general.
"I only asked about purple lemons." The boy sobs.
The general frowns, and calls the Prime Minister, and gives the boy the telephone.
"S-sir, what's a purple lemon?" The boy asks once more.
The PM is silent for a long time, and then tells the boy that he's patching him through to the Queen. In the call to the Queen, the boy asks;
"But what's a purple lemon? I just wanna know!"
And the Queen tells him;
"You'll just have to find out when you're old enough." So the police release him, and the boy is walking home, and crosses the street when *WHAM* he's hit by a car.









And the moral of the story is to look both ways when crossing the road.

[Coogs289]

LOL at all of them but that last one...
Oh my god!

[FGII-XR6]

Gotta Love This Lawyer

You can relate to this if you have ever dealt with a government bureaucrat.
Cheers to this lawyer!

Part of rebuilding New Orleans (after Katrina) often caused residents to be
challenged with the task of tracing titles to their homes... back
potentially hundreds of years. With a community rich with history
stretching back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through
generations of family, sometimes making it quite difficult to establish
ownership.

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client.. He was told the loan
would be granted if he could prove "satisfactory title" to a parcel of
property being offered as collateral. It took the lawyer three months to
track down the full title to the property which dated back to 1803. After
sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply.

(Actual reply from FHA):

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we
note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we
compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the
application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the
proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be
accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:

(Actual response):

"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note
that you wish to have title extended further than the 206 years covered by
the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this
country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know
that Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France , in 1803
the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of
uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U. S. ownership
was obtained from France ,which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from
Spain . The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery
made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had
been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish
monarch, Queen Isabella. The good Queen Isabella, being a pious woman and
almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing
the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus 's
expedition... Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of
Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created
this world.

Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of
the world called Louisiana . God, therefore, would be the owner of origin
and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we
know it, and the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be
satisfactory.

Now, may we have our damn loan?"


The loan was immediately approved.

[FGII-XR6]

The Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The
waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich,
"What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will Be $9.40
please." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for
payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A
hamburger, fries and a coke.."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same.."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?"

Asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a
salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it
on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, Sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket
every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found
an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put
my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress.. "Most people would ask for a
Million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for
as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man..

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."

[FGII-XR6]

BREAKING NEWS

A man was found dead in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene
found the man face down in his bathtub. The tub had been filled with milk,
sugar, cornflakes, and sliced bananas.

Police suspect a cereal killer.

[troppo]

Then there was the midget clairvoyant who escaped from jail.
Police are looking for a small medium at large.

[pauljh74]

People wonder why ships are referred to as "she" when the answer's obvious. As soon as they come in to port they head for the buoys, they often reach astonishing weights and density, they make one hell of a noise, a fortune is spent trying to make them look pretty and, without a man at the helm, they become an unpredictable death trap.

[FGII-XR6]

*World's Shortest Books
*THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE* by Barack Obama
*MY BLACK GIRLFRIENDS* by Tiger Woods
*THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL *by Hillary Clinton
*Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY *By Bill Clinton
*THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD *by Bill Gates
*THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY *by Dennis Rodman
*AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES* by Dr. J... Kevorkian
*TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED BEFORE ......* by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnell
*GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE *by Mike Tyson
*THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY*
*MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS *by O. J. Simpson
*HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY* by Ted Kennedy
*MY BOOK OF MORALS *by Bill Clinton with introduction by the
Rev. Jesse Jackson

[FGII-XR6]

Aussie Stockman

An Aussie stock man and his wife had just got married and found a nice
hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the front desk and asked
for a room.

He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good
strongbed."

The clerk winked, 'You want the Bridal?'

The drover reflected on this for a moment and then replied, "Nah, I reckon
not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."

[pauljh74]

Freddie Mercury is called in to see God. God says, "Freddie,I always liked your music and I'm gonna give you another life on earth, what would you like to be?". Freddie says "I'd like to be the England goalkeeper". God asks why and Freddie replies, "Well, I'll have 10 a___holes in front of me, 50 thousand p___s behind me and I wont be able to catch anything"

[pauljh74]

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So the monarch offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question was: What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the priests, the prostitutes, the wise men, the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch. Only she would know the answer.
The price would be high, however, as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: she wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified as the witch was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises ... etc.
He had never encountered such a repugnant creature and he refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a burden. Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that no sacrifice was too high compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question thusly: What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And it was so. The neighbouring monarch granted Arthur total freedom and Gawain and the witch had a splendid marriage. Arthur was torn between relief and anguish.
Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display and made everyone very uncomfortable.
The honeymoon hour approached. Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! The astounded Gawain asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she'd appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self only half the time, and the other half she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?
What a cruel question! Gawain pondered his predicament:
during the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friends but, at night in the privacy of his home, a hideous witch? Or vice-a-versa? What would you do?
What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read it until you've made your own choice.

Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, the witch announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.











What is the moral of this story? The moral is this: If a woman doesn't get her own way, things are going to get ugly.

[pauljh74]

What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?

Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
David’s Triumph was heard throughout the land.
Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.
**************************

The Melbourne Police report finding a man's body in the River Yarra, near Dickinson Reserve. The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified. The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption. He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick, and a 'Kevin Rudd for PM in 2011' T-shirt. He also had a cucumber in his rectum.

The police removed the Kevin Rudd T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

In spite of what we sometimes think, the Police do care.

[sarrge2001]

Originally Posted by pauljh74

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So the monarch offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question was: What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the priests, the prostitutes, the wise men, the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch. Only she would know the answer.
The price would be high, however, as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: she wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified as the witch was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises ... etc.
He had never encountered such a repugnant creature and he refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a burden. Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that no sacrifice was too high compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question thusly: What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And it was so. The neighbouring monarch granted Arthur total freedom and Gawain and the witch had a splendid marriage. Arthur was torn between relief and anguish.
Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display and made everyone very uncomfortable.
The honeymoon hour approached. Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! The astounded Gawain asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she'd appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self only half the time, and the other half she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?
What a cruel question! Gawain pondered his predicament:
during the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friends but, at night in the privacy of his home, a hideous witch? Or vice-a-versa? What would you do?
What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read it until you've made your own choice.

Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, the witch announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.











What is the moral of this story? The moral is this: If a woman doesn't get her own way, things are going to get ugly.

And the other moral of the story is: No matter how beautiful a woman is, underneath it all, she's still a witch.

[sarrge2001]

A Carlton fan, an Essendon fan and a Collingwood fan were all walking home after watching a game at the pub.

They come across a dead, naked woman lying on the pavement, and decided to phone the police.

The Carlton fan could not bear to see the undignified woman lying on the pavement in such a manner, and took

off his Carlton cap and placed it over the woman's left breast.

Not to be outdone the Essendon fan, removed his cap and placed it over the woman's right breast.

Similarly, the Collingwood fan felt he could be of assistance and removed his cap and placed it over her groin area.

Now, when the police arrived, the 3 football fans had to stick around for questioning by the police.


They watched the officer inspect the scene of the crime.

The officer picked up the cap from the left breast, had a peek, put the cap down and then wrote down some notes.

He then picked up the cap from the right breast, had a peek, put the cap down and wrote down some notes.

Next, of course, was the cap over the groin area. The officer picked up the cap, put it down and then wrote some notes.

He picked up the cap again, put it down and wrote some further notes.

For the third time, the officer did the same thing which infuriated the hell out of the Collingwood fan to the point where

he went up to the officer.

"What are you? Some kind of pervert? Why do you keep looking there?" asked the obviously annoyed Collingwood fan.

The officer replied "It's just weird - normally, you'd expect to see a pr*ck under a Collingwood cap!"

[FGII-XR6]

Favourite Animal

Our teacher asked us what our favourite animal was, and I said, "Fried
chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in
the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried
chicken is my favourite animal. I told my dad what happened,
and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love
animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what
happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favourite live animal
was. I told her it was chicken.

She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children.

So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She
sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed,
and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher
doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what
famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders".

Guess where I am now ...

[Mickxr8]

For all Who Work With Rude Customers, shame WE can't actually do this !


An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.


A crowded Virgin flight was canceled after Virgin's 767s
had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.

He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, 'I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'..
The attendant replied, 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to
try to help you, but I've got to help these people first,
and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.'


The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the
passengers behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?'
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her
public address microphone:

'May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal - 'we have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14.'
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically,
the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, 'F... You!'


Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit)


'I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too.'

[pauljh74]

Just watching Top Gear and I found funny the comment:
Car colour beige = Jewish racing gold

[TheZHLANE]

What does Australia have in common with Mc'Donalds?

Both run by red haired clowns