What jokes do you know?

[FGII-XR6]

It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London .

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't
got tickets.

The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to
the gate. "McTavish, Scotland " he says, "Discus" and in he walks.

The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his
shoulder. "Waddington-Smythe, England " he says, "Pole vault" and in he
walks.

The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it
under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland," he says, "Fencing".

[FGII-XR6]

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house not a creature
was stirring ... not even a mouse

Maybe I should have invested in one of those carbon monoxide detectors.

[redxm]

[chrisfpv]

I have a t shirt that says that ^^^

[pauljh74]

If God were a vehicle, he'd be an ice cream van.

It brings joy to those that find it, but people who closely follow it are paedophiles.
***********************

I bought Bonnie Tyler's car last year on ebay.

It's awful, every now and then it falls apart.
***********************

BBC News: Riot at Ford Prison.

Inmates had a Fiesta for New Year, lost Focus and then scored some Ghia.

[BuckTooth]

The Pastor's ***
The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S *** OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered
The pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day the local paper headline
Read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ***.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
The following headline The Next day:
NUN HAS BEST *** IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS *** FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back
The donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER *** IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . Even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's *** and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

[BuckTooth]

If this is unsuitable, please feel free to remove it.

Boobs vs. Willies

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?'

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'...

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes --- dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration'

[AndrewR_AUII]

Originally Posted by pauljh74

***********************

I bought Bonnie Tyler's car last year on ebay.

It's awful, every now and then it falls apart.
***********************

Must be a heart-ache

[wrongwaynorris]

A man walks into a Brothell and asks the madame to be totally and utterly humiliated .

She says " That will be $500.00 please." without asking any specifics .

puzzled he asks her , "What do I get for that ?"

She hands him a Baggy Green and a Cricket Bat

[deesun]

What has four legs and 1 arm?



A happy Pitbull.

[wrongwaynorris]

What has 2 legs and bleeds a lot ?

Half a dog .

[sarrge2001]

A Northern Territory Black Fella picks up a hooker off the streets of Alice Springs.

'How much you charge for hour, sister?' he asks.

'$100,' she replies.

He says 'You do Black Fella style?'

'No' she says.

' I pay you $200 do it Black Fella style'

'No', she says, not knowing what Black Fella style is.

'I pay you $300'

'No', she says.

'I pay you $400'

'No', she says.

So finally he says,

'OK, I pay you $1,000 to do it Black Fella style..'

She thinks, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world. How bad could Black Fella Style be?'

So she agrees and has sex with him.They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position.

Finally, after several hours, they finish.

Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly is ' Black Fella style'?'

The Black Fella replies 'You send bill to Government'

[csv8]

If Noah Built The Ark Today

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I’m going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark." And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an Ark.

"OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

"Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You’d better have the Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."

And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark.

"Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is My Ark?"

A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah. "Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn’t meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission..

Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn’t let me catch any owls. So no owls. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.

Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn’t complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn’t take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being.

Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plan. I sent them a globe. Right now I’m still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I’m supposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I’m trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. I really don’t think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you’re not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.

"Wrong!" thundered the Lord. "But being Lord of the Universe has its advantages. I fully intend to smite the Earth, but with something far worse than a flood. Something Man invented himself—GOVERNMENT!"

[my_gxl]

Originally Posted by pauljh74

I went out for a nice meal one day when the waiter asked, "How would you like your steak, sir?"

"The same way I like my sex," I replied.

He smiled and said, "So, rare?.

I thought the answer was bloody

[dave289]

The finals of the national poetry contest last year came down to two finalist. One was a graduate from the university of law in melbourne the other was an aboriginal fellow from the middle of australia. The rules of the contest were. Each finalist had to compose a four line poem in one minute. The poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu". After one minute the uni graduate went first. Slowly across the desert sand, trekked the dusty caravan. Men on camels,two by two, destination -Timbuktu. The audience went wild. They all thought the aboriginal fellow would'nt be able to beat that. Then quietly the aboriginal fellow stepped up and spoke. Tim and me, a huntin went. Met three whores in a pop up tent. They was three ,we was two, so I bucked one and Timbuktu.

[sarrge2001]

A bloke calls his mate, the horse breeder, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His mate asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'

So, the dwarf shows up, and the breeder asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

'A female horth.'

So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'

So the breeder picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'

The breeder is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'

Totally mad at this point, the breeder grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

'Perhapth I thould rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'

[Fled74]

Originally Posted by pauljh74

I bought Bonnie Tyler's car last year on ebay.

It's awful, every now and then it falls apart.

Is it an Eclipse?

[LowEL2XR8]

Originally Posted by pauljh74

If God were a vehicle, he'd be an ice cream van.

It brings joy to those that find it, but people who closely follow it are paedophiles.
***********************

I bought Bonnie Tyler's car last year on ebay.

It's awful, every now and then it falls apart.
***********************

BBC News: Riot at Ford Prison.

Inmates had a Fiesta for New Year, lost Focus and then scored some Ghia.

Someone else visits http://www.sickipedia.org/ I see.

[Fled74]

Damn, the secret's out!

[sarrge2001]

Originally Posted by Fled74

Is it an Eclipse?

Totally...

[Fled74]

Originally Posted by sarrge2001

Totally...

With those damn heart-shaped exhaust tips...

[pauljh74]

My wife went mental when she found a sex tape of me with a young, fit brunette in the wardrobe.

Her mood didn't really improve when I pointed out the tape was of her from ten years ago before she had kids and let herself go either.
****************

Confucius Says: It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
****************

My mates just been on the new crack cocaine diet
I said how much did you lose?
he said I lost everything
****************

Dear Kanye West, roses are red. violets are blue.
If Justin Bieber wins another award, you know what to do.
****************

BBC News: "Brisbane braces for flood surge". The lengths the Australians will go to wash the Ashes from their memories
****************

An Indian Mystery revealed
Finally someone has cleared this up for me...
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the Indian High Commission in Canberra has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union.
On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won:-
A - Taxi licence in Adelaide
B - Convenience store in Melbourne
C- Service station in Perth,
D- Kebab shop in Brisbane
E- Take away cafe in Sydney

If there is nothing there, he must take a job in India answering telephones giving technical advice to Telstra and Optus customers in Australia.
*****************

A young Jackaroo from outback Australia goes off to university. As these things go, halfway through the semester he has foolishly has squandered all of his money. So he calls home. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk."
"That's amazing!" his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $2,000," the young Jackaroo says, "I'll get him in the course."
So ... his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
"So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?" his father wants to know.
"Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read."
"Read?!" exclaims his father. "No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead barmaid at the pub?'"

The father groans and whispers, "I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
*****************

[FGII-XR6]

World's Largest Army

In WWII, Japan's highest ranking naval officer was Isoruku Yamamoto.
Although he was Japanese, and his loyalties were unquestionably with The
Empire, he studied for many years in America, graduating from Harvard
University. There is an oft-repeated (and sometimes disputed) quote
attributed to him regarding the possibility of any nation taking a war to
American soil: "You cannot invade the mainland United States. There would
be a rifle behind every blade of grass."

Here is why he was correct:

-------------------------------------------------------

The World's Largest Army.

The state of Wisconsin has gone an entire deer hunting season without
someone getting killed. That's great, considering there were over 600,000
hunters that got permits this year.

Allow me to restate that number.

Over the last two months, the eighth largest army in the world - more men
under arms than Iran; more than France and Germany combined - deployed to
the woods of a single American state to keep the deer population under
control.

But that pales in comparison to the 750,000 who are in the woods of
Pennsylvania this week. Michigan's 700,000 hunters have now returned home.
Toss in a quarter million hunters in West Virginia, and it is literally the
case that the hunters of those four states alone would comprise the largest
army in the world.

And that is just FOUR states.

The total population of registered hunters in America today ranges from 23
million to 43.7 million individuals. (Based on annual data provided by the
U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service.)

As long as the American Hunter retains his right to Bear Arms, America will
forever be safe from foreign invasion of troops.

Hunting - it's not just a way to fill the freezer. It's a matter of
national security.

[FGII-XR6]

Announcement from the Northern Ireland Government
Announcement from the Northern Ireland Government -
Due to the current water shortage in Northern Ireland, all public swimming
baths have closed the two outside lanes of each pool. As for reservoirs
they are making a determined effort to conserve water supplies by watering
it down.

[antlerfiend]

Why doesn't Mexico have a Summer Olympic Team? Because all of them that can run, jump or swim are in the United States.

[antlerfiend]

What did the lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog? Damn we really do taste like chicken.

[pauljh74]

I was in Brisbane waiting for ages for a bus.

Then what do you know, two float past at once.
*****************

Queensland flood update just in: Half of Brisbane is uninhabitable due to raw sewage on the streets, disease and criminals. The other half has been flooded.
*****************

I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai bird.

I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection."

But she did.

[TK-421]

I went into Hungry Jacks the other day and, as I was ordering, two Muslim women walked in.

I saw they had the most colourful garments from head-to-toe and I immediately thought to myself........

"The burqas are better at Hungry Jacks".

[Mickxr8]

Probably a repost but...

One winter morning a couple is listening to the radio over breakfast. They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have eight to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park... " Then the electric power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?" With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time, honey?" .

Another site for Mature people with open minds is

ehowa.com
Probably NSFW but he`s an interesting yankee (no porn unless you look for it)

[Mickxr8]

repost, sorry