What's your best/worst joke?

[Charliewool]

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."

The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say another word. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You're bad at holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."

[Charliewool]

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to
be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer". The drug
is found in liquid form and available almost everywhere. It comes in
bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs". "Beer" is used by female
sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to
go home and have sex with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to
consume a few units of "Beer" and then simply ask him home for no
strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this
approach.
Many times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's
savings in a scam known as a "relationship". In extreme cases, the
female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a
longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as
"marriage".

If you fall victim to this "Beer" and the women administering it,there
are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your
shocking encounter with similarly affected like-minded guys. For the
support group nearest you, just look up "Football Clubs" in the
Yellow Pages

[Charliewool]

The CIA, the FBI and the LAPD are each asked to prove their capability at
apprehending terrorists. President Bush releases a white rabbit into a
forest and tells each agency to catch it.

The CIA goes first. It sends animal informants into the forest. They
question all plant and material witnesses. After three months of intensive
investigations the CIA concludes that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, it bombs the forest killing
everything in it, including the rabbit. It makes no apologies, the rabbit
had it coming, it insists.

The LAPD go in. They come out after just two hours with a badly beaten bear.

The bear is sobbing "OK, OK, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."

John Howard hears about George Bush's idea and decides to test Australian
Law Enforcement Agencies. He releases a white rabbit into the Stromlo
Forest, near Canberra.

The National Crime Authority can't catch it but promises that if it gets a
budget increase it can recover $90 million in unpaid rabbit taxes and
proceeds of crime.

The Victorian Police go in. They're gone only 15 minutes, returning with a
koala, a kangaroo and a tree fern, all three shot to pieces. "They looked
like dangerous rabbits and we acted in self defence," they claim.

The NSW police go in. Surveillance tapes later reveal top-ranking offices
and rabbits dancing around a gum tree stoned out of their minds.

The Queensland police go in. They reappear driving a brand new Mercedes,
scantily clad bunnies all over them.

The WA police actually catch the rabbit, but it inexplicably hangs itself
while the attending officer "slipped out momentarily" for a cup of tea.

The SA and NT police join forces and beat the inside out of every rabbit in
the forest except the white one. They know it is only the black ones that
cause trouble.

The Australian Federal Police refuse to go in. It examines the issues,
particularly cost, and decides that because of low priority, high overtime
and the projected expense to the AFP as a whole, the matter should be
returned to the referring authority for further analysis.

ASIO goes into the wrong forest.



Rabbits continue to thrive in the USA and in Australia.

[trick_xd]

huge man steps out of the door. "What do you want," he said. They all asked the farmer could he spare them a warm place to stay for the night. The farmer said that it was okay just as long as they didn't steal any food from his crops. He let them sleep in the barn with the animals. After the farmer left the barn the black man shot up and said, "C'mon yall lets try to find something to eat." "We'd better not," said the chinese man. "The white man said, "Why not? He won't notice a few apples or potatoes missing." It made sense to them so they quietly went out into the fields and began to pick everything in sight. What they hadn't planned on was the farmer being there. (Click, Click)The farmer pointed his shotgun at the three men. He said he ought to shoot them for disobeying him after he gave them a place to sleep. "Instead of shooting you, being that you're hungry and all, I'll let each of you pick out your favorite fruit and come back with it," said the farmer. The three men were excited. First the white man came back with some grapes. Secondly the black man came back with some oranges. The farmer said, "Okay, white man, I want you to take those grapes and shove them up your a**!" The white shook his head but the farmer cocked his shotgun again. He did as he was told. Next, the black man's face was turning white. "You know what to do," said the farmer. The black man had to follow through. He screamed during the whole process. He said, "Is there a draft in here? I ain't got no butt crack, I got a butt canyon." Then the farmer said, "Where's that chinese fellow?" The two men looked at each other and fell out laughing. The farmer said, "What are you laughing at?" "The black man said, "The chinese man is in the watermelon patch!"

[trick_xd]

My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said,
"This will make you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all
over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you
the happiest woman in the world"
The woman says, "I'll miss you."


"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out
of the
shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed
the lawn
like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.


He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make
love to you really badly.
She said - Well, you succeeded.


He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea...you stand by the ironing board
while I sit on the sofa and fart.


He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave
you?
She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat bastard.


Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour

[trick_xd]

Dear Technical Support

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2, which I
had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently
conflicts between these two products and the only solution was
to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.


To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other
applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.
Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better.

A shareware program, Party Girl 2.1, which I tried, had many bugs and left a
virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same
time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other, they
caused severe damage to my hardware.

I then upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had
to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0.

While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come
bundled with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse 2002.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very
unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in
Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then
resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail Filter, and can,
without warning, Launch TurboStrop and Whinge. These latter products have no
Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring
ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be
reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns
unwelcome child processes that drain my resources. These conflict with some
of the new games I wanted to try out, warning me that they are an illegal
operation.

Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it often
crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with a rather annoying pop-up called
Mother-In-Law, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be
problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0
detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money files before
uninstalling itself.

Any ideas?

[bindi]

Old but good

NEW AUSSIE SLANG DICTIONARY, 2004

Abra-Kebabra: A magic act performed on Saturday night, where fast food vanishes down the performer's throat, and then shortly afterwards, it suddenly reappears on the taxi floor.

Aussie Kiss: Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

Beaver Leaver: or Vagina Decliner. A homosexual.

Beer Compass: The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you're too ****ed to remember where you live.

BOBFOC: Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.

Bone of Contention: A hard-on that causes an argument. e.g. one that arises when a man is watching Olympic beach volleyball on TV with his girlfriend.

Budgie's Tongue: or Small Man In A Boat, or Tongue Punchbag. The female erection.

Etch-A-Sketch: Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her nipples simultaneously.

Flogging On: Surfing the Internet for some left-handed websites.

F*ckSh*tF*ckSh*tF*ckSh*t: The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too high a speed.

Going For a McSh*t: Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a McSh*t With Lies.

Hand-to-Gland Combat: A vigorous masturbation session.

Millennium Domes: The contents of a Wonderbra. i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually f*ck-all in there worth seeing.

Monkey Bath: A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!".

Sperm Wail: or Spuphemism. A verbal outburst during the male orgasm.

Arsetronaut: A homosexual.

10-Pinter: Someone that you'd only chat up after drinking at least 10 pints.

2-Bagger: Someone that you'd need 2 paper bags to have sex with. (1 to cover their head, and 1 to cover yours, in case their bag falls off.)

Titanic: A lady who goes down first time out.

Todger Dodger: A lesbian.

**** Seance: During a masturbation session, the eerie feeling that
you're being watched with disgust by your dead relatives.

[bindi]

Another older but funny joke... insert any "western suburb" for those in different states ...

Mt. Druitt is to make a bid for the 2012 Olympic Games. In order to increase the likelihood that the successful bidders will win at least some medals, the competition has been modified somewhat. However, fierce competition is expected from rival areas such as Bankstown, Villawood, Cabramatta, Blacktown, Claymore........

OPENING CEREMONY
The Olympic Flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the City wearing the traditional flannelette shirt, jeans and no shoes with his defacto wearing the traditional bike pants and short top with oversized stomach.

THE EVENTS:
100 METRE SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a VCR & a Microwave (one in each arm) and, on the sound of the starter's gun, a Police Dog will be released from a cage 100 metres behind the athletes.

100 METRE HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles, car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences, walls, train etc.

HAMMER THROW
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.

SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from the men in this event. The first target will be a moving Police Vehicle. In the second round, competitors will aim at a Post Office Clerk, Bank Teller, Console Operator or Video Store attendant.

BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on a Friday Night. The husband will be given 15 schooners of VB at the Mt. Druitt Hotel followed by a quick check of a Mens Gallery lapdancing joint, while the wife will be told not to make him any dinner when he gets home. She will be wearing Bike Pants, shorts, Boob Tube and thongs and makes a valid attempt to get him to remove the transmission out of the bath.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS
The competitor will attend the City Skateboard Area where they will obtain
a bicycle stolen from a Mummies Boy (preferably from Knox or Grammar College), which they will then be pitted against the clock. Bonus points will be awarded a helmet which would have been procured at the time of getting the bike.

MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include Robbery with Violence, Burglary, Unlawful Use of a Motor Vehicle, Arson, Wilful Exposure.

MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this is now cancelled as organisers cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Mt. Druitt.

GYMNASTICS
The Beam will be replaced by the strip of gutter outside the Mt. Druitt Hotel. The event will commence at Closing time - we expect some rather difficult dismounts to be performed on this apparatus. The floor routine will be conducted in the padded cell of the Mt. Druitt Watchhouse.

CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include the Local AC/DC cover band. The Olympic Flame will be extinguished by local representatives by urinating from the base of the spire in a cascading effect.The stadium will then be boarded up before local athletes break in to it and remove all the copper piping and air conditioners.

See people, it's all happening in the west!

[trick_xd]

Dear Sir,

I am a senior citizen. During the Clinton Administration I had an
extremely
good and well paying job. I took numerous vacations and had several
vacations
homes.

Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire life change for
the worse: I lost my job. I lost my two sons in that terrible Iraqi War.

I lost my home.

I lost my health insurance.

As a matter of fact, I lost virtually everything and became homeless.
Adding
insult to injury, when the authorities found me living like an animal,
instead
of helping me, they arrested me. I will do anything to insure President
Bush's
defeat in the next election.

I will do anything to ensure that Bush has to go.

I just thought you and your listeners would like to know how one senior
citizen views the Bush Administration.

Thank you for taking the time to read my letter.

Sincerely,
SADDAM HUSSEIN

[trick_xd]

A coach full of nuns go over a cliff and they all die. They find themselves
in a queue outside the Pearly Gates. St Peter suddenly appears and
approaches the nun at the head of the queue and says "Sister before I can
let you into Heaven you have to answer one question. Have you ever touched a
mans penis?"

The nun blushes and admits to having once touched the end of a man's penis
with the tip of her finger.

St Peter smiles and tells the nun to dip the offending finger into a nearby
font of holy water and pass on into Heaven.

St Peter then turns to the next nun in the queue and asks the same question.
"Sister before I can allow you into Heaven you must answer one question,
have you ever touched a man's penis?"

The nun blushes and admits to having once held a man's penis in the palm of
her hand.

St Peter smiles and tells the nun to dip the offending hand into the nearby
font of holy water and to pass on into Heaven.

At that moment there is a commotion at the back of the queue and a nun is
seen sprinting from the back of the queue all the way to the front. St Peter
looks perplexed and asks the nun what in heaven's name was she up to?

The nun looks at St Peter guiltily and replies " If I've got to gargle with
that holy water I want to do it before Sister Mary has to dip her **** in
it."

[bindi]

A young newly wed couple wanted to join a church. The reverend told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from
sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously very depressed.

"You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the Reverend inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month...." the young man replied sadly. The Reverend asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult.... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower.The second week was terrible, but with the use of
prayer, we managed to abstain."

"However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible.... anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.

One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When
she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there", admitted the man,shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the Reverend.

"We know," said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at Bunnings either".

[bindi]

Harry Peters went to the Australian Tax Office for a job interview. The interviewer looks at his resume and asks him, "Are you a veteran?"

"Yes, I served 8 years in the army."

"Good, that counts in your favor. Do you have any service-related disabilities?"

"I am 100% disabled. A mortar round blew off my testicles so they declared
me disabled. It doesn't affect my ability to work, though."

"Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you. I can
hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in about 10
tomorrow, and we'll get you started."

"If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come at 10?"

"Well, this is a government organization. We don't do anything but sit
around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. No point your coming
in for that."

[Charliewool]

An Australian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a café when a American tourist , chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation . The American snapped his gum and said, "You Australian

folk eat the whole bread?"

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course."
The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia." The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.

The American persisted. "D'ya eat jam with the bread?"
Sighing the Australian replied "Of course."
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into

jam and sell it to Australia."
The Australian then asked, "Do you have sex in the states?"
The American smiled and said, "Why of course we do."
The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
"We throw them away of course."
Now it was the Australian's turn to smile.

"We don't. In Australia, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them into chewing gum and sell them to the United States. Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?"







.

[TheSneakiness]

Originally Posted by charliewool

An Australian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a café when a American tourist , chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation . The American snapped his gum and said, "You Australian

folk eat the whole bread?"

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course."
The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia." The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.

The American persisted. "D'ya eat jam with the bread?"
Sighing the Australian replied "Of course."
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into

jam and sell it to Australia."
The Australian then asked, "Do you have sex in the states?"
The American smiled and said, "Why of course we do."
The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
"We throw them away of course."
Now it was the Australian's turn to smile.

"We don't. In Australia, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them into chewing gum and sell them to the United States. Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?"







.

LMFAO!!!!!

[trick_xd]

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son
playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the
train stop and her son saying, "All of you bastards, who want off, get
the
hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards
who
are getting on, get your *** in the train, cause we're going down the
tracks."
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of
language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there
for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I
want
you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with
his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All
passengers who are disembarking the train please remember to take all
of
your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and
hope your trip was a pleasant one."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we
ask
you to store all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there
is
no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing
journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you, who are
****ed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please direct your complaints to
the
fat bitch in the kitchen."

[trick_xd]

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home.

On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand.

With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang.

He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable.

When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologising for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused:

"Happy Birthday!"

[Charliewool]

A bus stops, and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:


"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine!" said the lady indignantly. "In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!


"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."

[Marlin_Girl]

hahaha nice one