What jokes do you know?

[guitarman]

WHAT JOKES DO YOU KNOW?

Hi everyone, Just thought I'd start this thread for some light comedy relief


Q. What 2 planets do politicians come from?

A. Saturn Uranus



(excerpt from "How to perform Brain Surgery on a Holden Driver")

Step 1: "Make sure buttocks are not obscured....."

[jcxr]

I know "Sourbarsted" lol

[Abacus]

I know Belinda Neal.

[|||]

Q: What do you call a black guy flying a plane?

A: The pilot you racist

[Abacus]

Deleted.

[MYVYSS]

Why did Billy fall off his bike

Cause someone threw a fridge at him.

[Sourbastard]

Originally Posted by jcxr

I know "Sourbarsted" lol

no you have met sourbastard. You dont KNOW sourbastard until you wake up inside the barrel.

[XR6_661]

Two irish women are knitting jumpers for their babies that are yet to be born.

One turns to the other and says: I hope my baby is a boy, because I used blue wool.
The other one replies: Well, I hope mine is a retard cause I stuffed up the sleeves.

[Scareybear]

What do you do if you see a spaceman?

Park the car man....

[guitarman]

what do you call a woman with only 1 tooth? - Wanita.

what do you call a man who misplaces his automobile? - Carlos.

what is a specimen? - an Italian astronaut.

what is an innuendo? - an Italian suppository.

(tourist to Irish farmer, standing in paddock for last 3 days) "Sir, I've noticed you just standing there, doing nothing, for the last 3 days as I've driven past!"... (farmer) "Yes, I'm going for the Nobel Prize"...(tourist) "How's that?" ...(farmer) "I don't rightly know, but I know that you must be outstanding in your field!".

What's the best modification for a Holden? - impoundment

[Elks]

Originally Posted by sourbastard

no you have met sourbastard. You dont KNOW sourbastard until you wake up inside the barrel.

[Elks]

Two baby seals walked into a club......

[JACK250]

How does it change many dyslexics to take a light-bulb?

[JACK250]

A woman goes into her local music store looking for an old record; behind the counter is small young boy.

She says: "Excuse me sonny, but do you have Jingle Bells on a 7 inch?"

He says: "No, but I've got dangling balls on a 9 inch."

"That's not a record is it?"

"It is for a 10 year old."

http://www.sickipedia.org/index.php

[RepSpec]

in stiches and its only the first page


but im curious to see how long this lasts...


do the mods have the same sense of humor

[DDXR6T]

I once threw my input into a similar joke thrad, my post lasted about 5 min.

[Scareybear]

:evil3: :monkes:

[BFGT40]

Whats brown and sticky?

A stick

[Bossxr8]

Holdens go better.

Thats a hilarious joke.

[BFGT40]

A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says, whats with the long face?

[BFGT40]

A bloke walks into the butchers and says, you got a sheeps head, the butcher says, no mate, its just the way i part my hair

[gtfpv]

this is a humourous true story. it happened to my brother .
he went and got a security licence in the hope of a career change .
anyhow at the 1st security job interview , he was in a waiting room , with about 20 other hopefuls waiting for an interview . a WOMAN walks in and walks up to the receptionist saying she's here for the security job. the woman behind the reception desk , says she'll have to wait her turn and there are a few in front of her .
i dont have time for that she says . heres my number, tell him i'll suck his c#%$k. , and then she walked out . all the men looked at each other in the waiting room , and atleast 1/2 of them walked out of the room and left.

i laughed my head off when he told me this .

[FrogInASock]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walked into a bar.

You'd think one of them wold have seen it and ducked.

[pauljh74]

Originally Posted by gtfpv

this is a humourous true story. it happened to my brother .
he went and got a security licence in the hope of a career change .
anyhow at the 1st security job interview , he was in a waiting room , with about 20 other hopefuls waiting for an interview . a WOMAN walks in and walks up to the receptionist saying she's here for the security job. the woman behind the reception desk , says she'll have to wait her turn and there are a few in front of her .
i dont have time for that she says . heres my number, tell him i'll suck his c#%$k. , and then she walked out . all the men looked at each other in the waiting room , and atleast 1/2 of them walked out of the room and left.

i laughed my head off when he told me this .

As long as he didn't hang around to better her offer.

[troppo]

An elephant walks into a bar.
The barman says "Geez, I thought the horse had a long face."

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.
The barman say "Is this supposed to be some kind of joke?"

How many kids with ADD does it take to change a light bulb?
Let's set fire to something!

[guitarman]

1ST SKIER ASKS OTHER SKIER, BACK IN THE CABIN: "Mate, I'm dyslexic, how do you know when to zig ,and when to zag?"

OTHER SKIER: "I don't know, I'm a tobogganist!"

1ST SKIER: "Oh....OK....What luck!, I''l have a packet of Marlboro and a box of matches!"



Blonde walks into library: "I'll have a hamburger and fries, please"
Assistant (Whispers): "This is a library"
Blonde (Whispers): "Sorry, I'll have a hamburger and fries, please"

[guitarman]

IMPO'TANT MESSAGE: (has to be spoken in southern US of A accent!)


Dr to Ranch Master: "Colonel, I've checked all your slaves, and they're all fine, except for Rastus - He's impotent!"

(Ranch Master calls Rastus in) "Rastus, I've called you in here because you're impotent!"

(Rastus races out, then comes back 5 mins later, dressed in a 3-piece suit)

Ranch Master: "What on earth are you doing?"

Rastus: "Well, Boss, if you think I am impo'tant, I might as well look impo'tant".

[Jorgo85]

What's the difference between Roast Beef and Pea Soup?
Every one can roast beef.

A piece of string walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry mate, but we don't serve string, you'll have to leave." The string walks out side, ruffles his hair and walks back in. Bartender says, "Hey! Aren't you the piece of string I just asked to leave?"
"No, I'm a frayed knot"

What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexics Association

[Mark^^]

Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a break,
in their soon-to be, new store.

As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some thick tourist is
going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're
selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious
Australian walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad Australian
accent asked 'What are you selling here?'

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling -holes.'
Without skipping a beat, the Australian said, 'You are doing well ...
only two left!'

Englishmen - God bless them - should not mess with Australians

[dave289]

KNOCK KNOCK


whoes there?



IDIDUP